Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg FC 2

A Plum??

Wet, cold, windy and dark; one could have been forgiven for thinking it was the middle of winter. These were the conditions for the mid-summer clash between league leaders Almaty Athletic and Gliebenhagg FC.

It was a historic day for Almaty Athletic. For the first time in their prestigious history, the Prod brigade were in the minority, with only 25% of the first team squad for the night consisting of True Blues; Spratt and Sweetnam. To make up for the lack of Prods, Tiger McTadhg was rechristened “Todd” by Rev Alex.

Almaty were without their talismanic striker, Gav "Jan Koller, not Jurgen Kohler, Ant!" Jeffery who was suffering from a knee injury sustained in a Sumo wrestling match on Saturday night. Keith "S-pee" Espey was also ruled out due to "mechanical failure of his machinery". It was a new one to add to the Gaffer's list of excuses. On the plus side Morgan "WHO ARE YA?" Foley was welcomed back into the fold after a lengthy absence.

Tadhg "Utility-man" O'Connell was selected to solve Almaty's striking crisis, with Alex "Team-Talk" O'Donovan backing him up in midfield. The back line consisted of Billy "Balls" Murphy, "Jemima" Butler and Morgan "Axel" Foley. James "Ronaldo" G and Gaffer Spratt were the secret weapons to be unleashed from the bench...

The boys in blue nearly opened the scoring after a couple of minutes when Butler ruefully spurned a decent chance, dragging a shot wide after being put in the clear by Sir Alexander. It was left to the ref to tell him “That was shit!”

The Almaty management team were left pulling their hair out minutes later after the team conceded an early goal for third time in as many games. Safehands was given no chance after a shot from the Gliebenhagg striker deflected wildly off Foley.

Almaty huffed and puffed with most of the ball, but no real attacking thrust. However the breakthrough eventually came a couple of minutes later when Lord-Lieutenant Alexander turned superbly and finished with a plum.
[I went through Gaffer's draft to fix the typos but I decided to leave that one in... a plum?! - Lamps]

Field Marshal Sir Alexander of Rockmount VC OBE was involved in two bizarre incidents shortly before half-time. Firstly, he passed to Jim not realising that Jim was not actually on the field of play at the time. From the resulting Gliebenhagg throw-in Alex decided to tie-in his laces leaving Almaty short in defence. To compound matters Alex was given a fat lip when “Cavalier” Spratt attempted to head a long ball. The collision resulted the Gliebenhagg forward breaking free, however “Safehands” stood his ground superbly and made a crucial block to deny an almost certain goal.

Half time came and went in silence, as Almaty players reflected on the fact that they would have to lift their game for the second half. That and they were afraid of angering Alexander.

In the second half, "Jane" Butler came close to putting Almaty ahead when his shot from a tight angle was brilliantly tipped onto the post and behind for a corner... not the first time their keeper made a superb save.

However, the breakthrough finally came when Alexander the Great nearly picked out "Lamps" with a ‘nearly great ball’, it broke to Galvin who went down the right, deployed a trick from his box to make a yard of space before pinging in the cross for "Lamps" to slot home to much relief! "Lamps" normal “hop, skip, and a jump” celebrations were somewhat subdued after the Sarong revelations.

Unfortunately Almaty conceded another deflected goal. The ball hit Lamps’s shins, spun into the corner, giving poor SH no chance. Questions were asked whether Lamps could have closed down the player quicker to which he mumbled "Sorry lads, yes, I guess I could have technically closed the player down with greater velocity, sorry, sorry..."

Almaty fans were left wondering whether it was going to be one of those games in which their team dominate possession but fail to win due to some defensive errors and missed chances. Their worries were converted into celebrations however when “Todd” O’Connell was slipped through. He managed to brush of the Gliebenhagg defender with his considerable weight and smashed the ball into the top corner with his considerable strength. The unrehearsed celebration saw Alex mount Tadhg before starting to whip him whilst bellowing “Well done Todd! Well done Todd!” An Almaty spokesperson confirmed in a statement released later that evening that “despite all the naked pictures, sarong wearing and enthusiastic goal celebrations, Almaty players are all straight as laces”!

Almaty saw out the remaining few minutes in a professional manner with composed passing, some tough tackling and cleverly failing to retrieve stray balls from the other pitches. Almaty’s unbeaten run has now stretched to six games and sees them at the top of the table. In their final home game of the season next week they meet Whitford who are currently second in the league.

There were notable performances by Morgan who was solid on his return and from Billy who had an inspired spell when he made some superb tackles. JamesG moved to second on the Universe's All-Time List of Assists, behind Mother Teresa. However it was “Safehands” who picked up the gong for man-of-the-match; his crucial saves ensured Almaty took all three points.