Another must win for Almaty!

After last week's draw with FC Miracle Almaty face another tough battle against City Ramblers who are in second place a point ahead of Almaty. The victor tonight will have their fate in their own hands; the loser will be reliant on other results in their quest for silverware.

Almaty will take some heart from their display last week after hearing news that FC Miralce had won the nationwide 6 aside competition last Saturday in Dublin in which 24 teams competed. They were 2-0 down in the final cameback to beat their Dublin opponents.

Unfortunately, they will have to do it without the services of Dave "elder" Smith and Billy "Whiz" Murphy. Almaty's Gaffer is also sweating on whether or not Alex "put me back in bubble wrap please!" O'Donovan's medical team will give him the all clear to play.

It is hoped that Almaty will be a lot sharper than their first game of the season and will deploy Mark "up your ass" Dawson to get up the ass of City Ramblers dangerous striker - the guy in the Barcalona jersey.

Almaty Athletic 2 FC Miracle 2

Almaty went into this one knowing defeat would spell the end of their bid to retain their league title after early draws saw them trail FC Miracle by two points going into last night's game. In a fierce and largely fair contest, both sides shared the spoils after a keenly fought 2-2 draw which leaves Almaty still trailing Miracle. Nevertheless fans will have seen enough that they can be confident that once again Almaty will be in the shake up at the business end of the season.

Almaty's pre match tactics were thrown into disarray after a double no show from Fabio and Raphael, both of whom arrived after kick off after "traffic congestion". Sweetnam started between the sticks, Dawson at sweeper, Spratt at left back, Murphy on the right and O'Donovan, back from yet another injury lay off, in the centre. "C'mon gyz" Machado once again led the line up front, not doubt eager to add to his impressive goal tally. Jeffery couldn't shake off an ankle injury picked up in training and missed this one.

Even after the opening exchanges it was clear that this one was going to be a tight affair; robust tackling, space at a premium, that sort of thing. Half chances at both ends went a begging, nevertheless Almaty, with their slick passing game, appeared to hold the edge over their rather dour opponents. You know the way Poland play whenever they get to World Cup? Sort of like "how the fock did this lot ever score enough goals to qualify for a major tournament?" Well it seems they're all like that! That said they did a largely excellent job of it, working hard to deny Almaty the room to hurt them and belting the ball long and accurately whenever they got the chance.

And then a goal! A cross from the right was deflected away by "Stop gawking at my WAG" Dawson only to fall into the path of the oncoming Tomasz who rifled a shot into the bottom corner.

Almaty, undeterred, continued to play their game and were rewarded with an equaliser when Marco hammered home following a neat free kick move involving Alex "out of cotton wool" O'Donovan.

The sides were level for only a matter of minutes as Miracle hit back in bizarre and unfortunate circumstances. A shot was parried by Safehands and Spratt, trying to clear, only managed to hit Krzystof on the side of the head with the ball before bouncing into an unguarded goal. Oh for fu...

Almaty's half time tactics were disrupted as "That's my wife" Dawson was seen take extreme exception to comments made by an unnamed teammate about the level of sexiness displayed by the only WAG in attendance. Amidst the anarchy it was deemed that Almaty ought to "keep plugging away" because "it will come" - the equalizer I mean...

And it did! What a goal! Marco, for once dislodging Dariusz from his arse, broke free wide on the right before unleashing a scorching shot into the far corner - incredible goal really - as Gaffer said after the game "I wouldn't have scored that...even in a dream..."

Almaty continued to press looking for a winner and could have had it but for some sound shot stopping from Lucasz in the Miracle goal. That said Miracle nearly stole it at the death with two decent efforts, both saved well by Safehands, which ensured that the retention of the title remains in Almaty's own hands. Special mention to two stalwarts from last year: Alex "All the threes" O'Donovan and Billy "Looks a little bit like the lad from Divine Comedy but nothing comical in his display this evening it really was very solid" Murphy...

Handbags to the ready!!

The scene has been set as we approach the mid-way point of the astro league season: second place Almaty face top of the table FC Miracle in what is sure to be an epic battle of Sky Sports proportions! Andy Gray can hardly contain himself. “Ooooh, I tell you something I haven’t been able to sleep all week thinking of this game. It is going to be GIGANTIC!”



Almaty’s preparations suffered a blow on Sunday when Gav “Injury prone” Jeffers injured his ankle in a training session. Sources close to him say that he is gutted to miss out on the match especially as he was hoping to bag a few goals to retain his status as the league’s top scorer. Apart from that Almaty have no other injury concerns. It is rumoured that long-term absentee, Alex “Big Guns” O’Donovan is going to make a surprise comeback in tonight’s game. Gaffer Spratt will have to decide whether it is wise to take Alex “Mr Glass” O’Donovan out of his protective bubble a week earlier than anticipated.



FC Miracle will be on a nigh after coming back from 2-0 to win 3-2 against City Ramblers. Their top-scorer ADORJAN ANDRASSY will hope to add to his already impressive tally of 10 goals. What is certain is that it will be game full of intrigue which sees the leagues best defense (FC Miracle) face the highest scoring team (Almaty).

Almaty Athletic 8 The Bananaskins 1

“When the ball hits your head and you sat in row z it’s…er…Phil Smitha…”

Almaty continued their undefeated run this season with a comprehensive 8-1 win over The Bananaskins and what’s more the rout was completed without the league’s top-scorer, Gav “Goal Machine” Jeffers.

There was a delayed kick-off as the refs preferred to have a chat rather than start the games. This suited The Bananaskins as they were short a player at the start. With the numerical advantage Almaty attempted to pile on the pressure but they were hindered by wayward shots which saw the precious magic yellow football banished into the tree much to the annoyance of Mark “It’s in the f*!king tree” Dawson. However, the break through came five minutes in when the ball was played in from the left hand side by Dave “Brother of Phil” Smith to his sibling Phil “Brother of Dave” Smith who with the deftest of touches slipped Marco “Give me the ball and I will score” Machado who got the ball and scored!

Almaty’s fans expected the floodgates to open however they were shocked when The Bananaskins striker skinned Mark “No. 8 Bus” Dawson and ran on to score. The Bananaskins now had a complete team but Almaty kept applying pressure. Their keeper pulled off a fine save from a rare left-foot shot by “Gaffer” Spratt. He further kept them in the game on several occasions when he denied Phil “Emile” Smith.

Marco doubled his goal tally with a great strike from the edge of the box. Almaty's third came about when Mark “Beckanbauer” Dawson played a through ball to Marco who duly rounded the keeper and laid it off to Mark who tapped it in – "greatest goal ever scored" according to Mark "where's my ball" Dawson! Gaffer Spratt then made it four just before half-time with a neat finish.

It was important that Almaty scored first in the second half to dash any hopes of a Bananaskins comeback and that they did through a spectacular goal by Marco. Almaty players were even questioning whether he had scored as it had seemed impossible that he could have scored from such an acute angle – Uncle Jimmy “Lamps” would have been proud of it! Spratt managed to get his second of the game when he got onto the end of a quick corner as the Bananaskins’ players were distracted by some dust-up in the match between City Ramblers and FC Miracle.

Phil “brothel/credit card” Smith then broke free but unfortunately his shoot went high over the bar… the fence… and all the cars in the car park. Minutes later Phil “barn door” Smith unleashed another shot which went sailing… wide and into the fence behind the goal. Marco then showed Phil “Andy Cole circa 96 vintage” Smith how it is done by tapping in another two goals to take his tally to 11 for the season becoming the league’s new top scorer; 1 ahead of Gav “Bitter” Jeffery. In the dying moments of the game “cows arse/banjo” Smith beat a couple of players… was clean through on goal but unfortunately missed again! TAXI for Smith!!!

Almaty fans were listening to the radios to hear the final result of the game between the top two sides. Despite being 2 goals down FC Miracle scored three to cement their position at the top of the table two points ahead of Almaty. The scene has been set for an almighty battle against the lads from Poland next week in the last week of the first round games!

Almaty aim to climb the table

Almaty will hope to build on last week’s performance as they face The Bananaskins in week 9 of Astro Leagues. However, they will have to do it without the services of the league’s top-scorer, Gav “goal machine” Jeffery, who was instrumental in last week’s display.


Gaffer Spratt is likely to revert back to the tried and tested 3-1-1 formation with Marco "The Magician" Machado playing up-top. Phil "The General" Smith will marshall the midfield. The defence will be comprised of Billy "O'Shea" Murphy, Dave "Rio" Smith, Mark "Vidic" Dawson and Ant "Neville" Spratt. Thankfully, Safehands Sweetnam returns to goal.

It will be important that Almaty beat The Bananaskins as it will ensure that they at least gain one place in the league table as the top two teams, City Ramblers and FC Miracle, face each other. The Bananaskins got off to a bright start to the season winning their first two games. They’ve lost their last two games but it would be unwise to judge them on those results as they were against the top two teams.

Almaty Athletic 8 2 Touch 4

Almaty masterclass!

Almaty earned their much desired three points to keep them within touching distances of the league leaders, FC Miracle, in a bizarre game.

With "Safehands" Sweetnam absent for the game Gaffer Spratt volunteered to go in goals. Alex "will we ever see you again?" O'Donovan suffered a set-back at the weekend when he managed to strain his calf whilst attempting to tie his shoelace! With the return of Marco "De Gama" Machado Almaty had a host of attacking options. It was this that forced Almaty's Gaffer to make the brave decision to revert from their much tried and tested 3-1-1 formation to a more bold 2-1-2 set-up.

The Almaty fans were left questioning the tactical change after 10 mins when for the second time in a row Almaty found themselves 3 goals to the worse with no reply. The signs were there from the start when 2 Touch hit the post with an early shot. They then took the lead due to some slack defending from a corner. Their lead was doubled minutes later when they broke on a counter-attack. Worse was to follow when "Sweeper/Keeper" Spratt raced to the edge of his box to gather a through ball but somehow managed to let it slip beneath his hands and legs only for the 2 Touch striker to tap-in! "Safehands, Safehands... all is forgiven" roared the Almaty faithful!

The Gaffer however did not panic and despite being 3-0 down the team were creating chances. Gav "If Lamps can score from impossible angles then so can I" Jeffers tried to score from an impossible angle and managed to banish the ball into the trees! The first goal came after Marco "Magician" Machado nutmegged a player just inside his own half. He then broke feat beat another player and passed it by the keeper. With a goal back Almaty's confidence grew and they began to find their rhythm. Two further goals were scored before half-time by Marco and Almaty were buzzing.

The half-time instruction was to keep pressing and the goals would come and boy did they come. 2 Touch were unable to contain Almaty's Portuguese whizkid and a killer touch saw him put Almaty into the lead for the first time in the game. A superb ball by Dr Phil to Not to be outdone by Marco Gav "Legs 11" Jeffers killed a superb ball by Dr Phil on the left hand side and slotted home to make it 5. Two more goals were scored in quick succession to kill the game of as a contest. 2 Touch were taught their own lesson of 2 touch football. Almaty's faithful began the chant of "Ole, Ole!" with every touch of the ball. Whilst Almaty's attacking force was getting the limelight it was the solid defence of Mark "The Rash" Dawson and Dave "The Rave" Smith that snuffed out any counter-attack 2 Touch tried to mount.

The icing on the cake arrived when another Gav "Top league scorer" Jeffers bagged his fourth to make it 8-4. However, 2 Touch did get a consolation goal with 10 mins to go when their striker beat "Southall" Spratt at the near post (he did enough to ensure he wouldn't have to go between the posts again next week!).


Thumbs up from Almaty's biggest fan!

Almaty play Banaskins (next week) and FC Miracle in the last two games of the first half of the season. Wins in both games will see Almaty top of the league at the mid-way point.

Almaty seek to continue undeafeted run

Sitting in third place, two points adrift of City Ramblers and FC Miracle, Almaty Athletic will need three points from tomorrow night’s game against 2 touch to keep them in the reckoning. Their opposition has failed to win a game this season but Almaty’s Gaffer will demand that the players show no complacency and eliminate the mistakes at the back which cost them dearly last week.

After last week’s shambolic first half display “Safehands” Sweetnam has been sent away for a week’s break to the South of France to sort his head. As it stands Gaffer Spratt is going to put on the No. 1 jersey. Mark “Joxer” Dawson looks set to return after his back recovered from his gardening injury. Almaty will also welcome back Marco “Columbus” Machado from his travels. Unfortunately, Alex “Dan’s no longer my hero” O’Donovan has had a further set-back as he managed to pull his calf whilst attempting to tie his shoelaces – I kid you not!

Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg 3

Almaty Athletic continued their unbeaten run so far this season but only earned a point as they drew 3-3 with Gliebenhagg FC. Despite the late kick-off time of 8pm the temperatures were still in the twenties. Mark “Mini” Dawson was a late withdrawal from the squad after he hurt his back the previous night in a "gardening incident"! Niall “Stopper” Murphy received a late call-up to fill the gap.

Almaty had a disastrous start and found themselves 3-0 down after 15 minutes. The first goal involved “Calamity” Sweetnam rushing out to clear only yer man nicked in blocked his clearance and shot. “Not so safe Safehands” managed to save the shot on the edge of the penalty area (well outside!) but the Hagg striker planted in the rebound. A long punt forward went over Spratt’s head who then failed to track the nippy striker who nipped as fast as a nipper and nipped past “Slow” Sweetnam to slotted home for the second. Spratt didn’t cover himself in glory for their third as he played a ball in field for the right and side straight to the oncoming Hagg midfielder (“The sun was blinded me!!!”). The Hagg player broker through and laid it off for his fellow player to finished neatly for their third. It could have been four but somehow the Gleibenhagg striker managed to scoop the ball over the bar from a cross when the goal was clear for him.


Jeremy "Safehands?" Sweetnam

Despite the scoreline Almaty were creating chances but were limited to long range efforts which unfortunately were all of target. Thankfully the players did not let their heads drop and the pressure finally paid off a minute before half-time. “Crouchy” Jeffers beat a player in the box and passed it across for Phil "Fabio" Smith to tap in. This goal was to prove vital to the Almaty comeback!


Phil & Dave Smith!

Almaty stepped up a gear in the second half and their applied pressure and the scorching sun began to take its toll on Gleibenhagg’s players. Mid-way through the second half Almaty got their second when a quick corner from Dave "Smith was played into Spratt’s feet at the edge of the box. He let the ball run past him and let fly with a low left foot shot. Thankfully Phil Smith was positioned on the line to neatly back-heel it into the goal. Minutes later Almaty should have equalised when Niall “Unbelievable Miss” Murphy somehow managed to hit the bar when the open goal beckoned. Almaty pulled it level thanks to “Crouchy” Jeffers who stretched out his left foot; made horrible contact but thankfully the ball rolled in!

All the hard work nearly came undone minutes later when Hagg’s danger man upfront let rip with a shot destined for top corner. However, “Safer than safe Safehands” Sweetnam redeemed himself for his earlier blunders with a glorious agile finger tip save. Almaty had the momentum though and with Niall “Stopper” Murphy intercepting every counter-attack the Hags attempted it looked as if they would find the winner but unfortunately that was not to be.

Don't forget the sunscreen!

The boys in blue face an old rival from Season 2, Gliebenhagg FC, tonight in what is sure to be a tightly contested game. Last season Almaty narrowly beat the Haggs 3 - 2 thanks to a late goal by Tiger “McTadhg” O’Connell.

However, in the reverse game the Haggs nearly scuppered Almaty’s championship dream when they beat them in a 4 - 3 Liverpool Newcastle esque thriller. Jeremy “Handbags” Sweetnam will hope to outwit his arch rival – the baldy c*nt upfront!

The Gaffer will hope for a much improved performance from last week’s game. Unfortunately he will have to do without the talents of Marco “Polo” Machado again this week as he has returned to his native Portugal to serve his one-match ban for failing to get his lazy Portuguese ass of the couch last week!

Alex "Mr Glass" O'Donovan's medical team have reported that he may return to action within two weeks.




Billy “Hatchet” Murphy will have to pass a late fitness test and is likely to start on the bench.

It was rumoured that Gaffer Spratt offered an olive branch to John “who do you think you are?!” Murphy last night but according to a Murphy’s spokesperson he told the Gaffer he “can stick that olive branch where the sun don’t shine”!! The end result is John “Phil Neville” Murphy has been transfer listed.

It remains to be seen what condition the players will be in after the long weekend and how they will cope with heat tonight but what is certain is that Almaty will need to earn three points to keep them in touching distance of FC Miracle who are the current league leaders.