Player Profile - Tadhg

Name
Tadhg James O'Connell

Nickname(s)
Big-man, Phats, Tiger (rrraaaoorr!), The Rock, Tiger McTadhg

Age
25 1/4

Favourite Food
Raw meat washed down with a protien shake

Best Almaty Memory
Getting the phone call from the Gaffer last season to step in. He's my childhood hero. It was such an honour.

Worst Almaty Memory
Lobbing Safehands... I'm still trying to figure out how I managed that... it seems almost mathematically impossible...

Motto in Life
"Eat and be fat"

Who is your sporting hero?
Big Show!!

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
I'm too quiet and shy.

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
That would have to be Jan Molby... he used to move around the pitch so gracefully!

What three words best describe you?
Super size please

What makes you laugh?
Myself, I'm the funniest man on the team.

Worst fear(s)?
The lads finding out that I'm a closet Take That fan...
The needle on the scales going below 14 stone...
The lads finding out that 'Thai Boxing' is code for Lionel Richie concerts...

Tell me something the rest of the players don't know about you?
I've got my nipple pierced! The ladeez love it.

Pet hates?
Boyzone - they were such wannabes

Player Profile - Espey

Name
Keith Espey

Nickname(s)
“Espey”, “SP”, “sp”, “Sp”, “sP”, “esspee”

Age
28… Pushing on…

Best Almaty Memory
The time me, Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer went on the lash in the Majestyk - oh right, you said Almaty, not Leeds. I played for Leeds you know…

Worst Almaty Memory
Sending Lamps a text meant for a bird

Motto in Life
Is strippers a motto?

Who is your sporting hero?
Maradona, Bestie, Merse…

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Not being committed enough…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
Eddie Gray

What three words best describe you?
Sex, drugs, androckandroll…

Happiest when…
Hammered in the Classic…

Worst fear(s)?
Not being able to play due to 'meningitis' like Sharpey…


Pet hate(s)?
London's Metropolitan Police… funny story…

Ambitions in life?
All of these were accomplished in Rio… happy times!!

Player Profile - James

Name
James Annabel Anthony Galvin

Nickname(s)
“Tricks”, “Baby-faced Assassin”, “James G”, “JAGS”, “Jinks”, “Jagmeister”

Age
16 but the fake ID says "McLovin"

Favourite Food
Humble pie… never had it but anyone who ever doubts the Jagmeister gets served a double helping…

Best Almaty Memory
Getting a triple megs on the same player, followed by a double-drag back and a Maradona turn…

Worst Almaty Memory
Finishing behind Spratty in last season's top goal-scorers chart – a low-point in my soccer career…
[ED: surely the whole losing the ball, subsequently giving away a free-kick from which the opposition scored and getting sent-off in our final game of the season thing ranks up there??]

Motto in Life
"It's not the goal that matters, it's the celebration"

Who is your sporting hero?
Myself, of course. It was Ronaldo before he got the end product.

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Eh, never passing to them and the 7th stepover…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
Alex “Ballack” O’Donovan (in his hey-day he was a legend – pity he’s old and slow now)

What three words best describe you?
I am God
Free kick Ref!
Love the hair

What makes you laugh?
Tempting slow fat defenders to tackle me and then crumpling in a heap clutching my ankle and rolling around several times. They fall for it everytime… especially Spratty... he's some dumbass!

Worst fear(s)?
Losing my pace – I’d be lost without it.
Any of the lads meeting my sister.

Pet hates?
Having to pass to better-placed teammates when the double drag-back finish is on…

Player Profile - Jeremy

[Ed: This profile would have written itself until Safehands went and got himself a ClareBear...
Then, everything changed...]



Name
Jeremy Charles Sweetnam

Nickname(s)
"Slut", "Safehands Sweetnam", "Jumbo Jer", "Clare's b*tch"

Age
28½

Favourite Food
Half time jelly babies; quadruple vodka and red bull ("I swear there's a lot of nutrition in it…")

Best Almaty Memory
Scoring a goal from goal!

Worst Almaty Memory
Getting lobbed into a 2 foot goal by my own player from 10 yards out… pretty humiliating…


Motto in Life
"Your place or mine?"
"Better to regret something you have done than something you haven't…"

Who is your sporting hero?
George Best obviously, how many Miss Worlds was it?
Neville Southall – don't ask…

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Trying to score with their WAGS…
Eating all of the half time jelly babies…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
What career?!

What three words best describe you?
Gaggin for it…
Love u Clare!

What makes you laugh?
Jim's first touch…

Player Profile - Alex

Name
Alex O'Donovan

Nickname(s)
"Ballack", "The Wizard", "Sick note", "Nason Steele", "Darren Anderton"

Age
Undisclosed (rumoured to be the oldest man in the squad... fans estimate him to be 31)

Favourite Food
Big bananas mashed up with Slimfast drink; Lamb's liver

Best Almaty Memory
Getting to first base with Tadhg at the Lionel Ritchie concert

Worst Almaty Memory
Not getting sent off last season... I'm getting soft in my old age

Motto in Life
"To boldly go where no man has gone before..."

Who is your sporting hero?
Ryan Giggs... some say I could have been as good as him except for the injuries :-(

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
My devilishly good looks and all-round tan - the ladies can't resist me!!!

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
Kieran, ehhhhh, Luther, ehhhh Logan

What three words best describe you?
I am injured

What makes you laugh?
Teletubbies

Favourite Bum Chum?
Nige... it would have been Dawson until I discovered he was a Prod :-)

Worst fear
That the Rockmount lads find out that I'm playing with a team of Prods

Pet hates
Stone masons; anything blue; Scientology, Prods

Who would win a scrap between Captain Kirk and Captain Picard?
Don't make me take sides :-)