9 DIE AS ALMATY CELEBRATE FIRST TITLE

reported by Jeremy "Scoops" Sweetnam...

Fanatical Almaty Athletic fans spilled onto the streets of the country's second city last night as the boys in blue clinched their first ever title at the hands of hapless Whitfords. In a delightful show of support the natives crammed onto the city's main street and fired multiple rounds from their Kalashnikovs into the air in celebration. A heavy army presence and a more restrained approach to victory resulted in a mere 9 fatalities amidst the rapturous scenes. Indeed authorities must be pleased that the death count was considerably down on the bloodbath of 2004 when Astana Astros won their fourth Central Asian Gypsy Clubbing Title.

In a tense evening, Almaty ultimately romped to a comfortable 7-0 victory and that, along with Slievenamon’s draw last week (which meant they didn't have to rely on those useless Citco feckers who lost 4-1 last night), was enough to secure the league in some style. Once again Almaty started without Morgan 'Who Are Ya' Foley and Jim 'London’s Calling' Butler. Joining them on the sidelines was Alex '56 Days' O'Donovan, who is keen to extend his injury free run by, er, not playing again. Ever. Despite the absentees the line up was a familiar one, with Gav 'Czech Mate' Jeffery leading the line, SP in the middle, and “Tiger” O'Connell, “Gaffer” Spratt, and James “Kazakhstan’s Next Top Model” Galvin at the back. Billy “What About Me” Murphy completed the seven. Again Almaty started tentatively, and, with the game delicately poised, Safehands was called into action twice to repel long range efforts from Whitfords. Soon, though, “Tiger” and “Gaffer” tightened up and Safehands was not called upon again. Instead Almaty gradually took control of the game; and the season. Closely following the script of previous weeks, they went on to miss a series of guilt edged chances. Particularly culpable were Ant “Two Left Feet” Spratt and Gav "Did the Czech Bounce?” Jeffery, who both spurned easy opportunities. It was no surprise, however, when a determined SP finally slammed in the first mid way through the first half. Almaty continued to press and grabbed a deserved second before half time. Whitfords were a shadow of the team that did near terminal damage to Almaty’s title charge mid-season and, as news filtered through of Slievenamon's predicament, Almaty relaxed in the second half and thoroughly destroyed their opponents. “A Score is a Score” Jeffery grabbed another three, SP one and “Gaffer” one as the Kazakh maestros ran riot in a flawless display of champagne showboating, which included at least two back heeled finishes.

The local council in Almaty has now declared one week of National Celebration in Honour of the Glorious Defenders of the Fatherland and a further day of mourning for its dead fans. “Gaffer” Spratt has lifted the season long sex and alcohol ban as the team will be allowed let their hair down this Friday in the, er, exclusive Redz Nite Club. No doubt this will mean copious amounts of both this weekend for the victorious players. Rumours that Rio Ferdinand has been drafted in to organise the post season party have not been denied by “Gaffer”...