Week 3: Almaty Athletic 5 Citco 2

There was something about this particular Tuesday night that made the adrenaline pump and the element of anticipation hit force 5 on the scale. Was it because Ireland were playing the Ba-Ba’s in a meaningless friendly or was it because the new series of Grey’s Anatomy is only a week away? None of the above, I’m afraid, it could only be week 3 of Astro-soccer-league, the greatest league in the universe where a person’s true character is scrutinised and weakness is not tolerated.

This week opponents were Citco Group, details were sketchy about the opponents but The Sprattman (himself a renowned financial guru of the Eddie Hobbs/Eddie O’Sullivan lovechild vain with a seasoning of German efficient good looks) commented that “The Citco Group is a worldwide group of independent financial service providers, comprised of international banks, trust and fund services companies. For over sixty years, Citco Group companies have served the growing needs of a diverse client base from its network of international offices”.

Anyway, Almaty’s form in the run up to this encounter had been mixed in the opening 2 games, with a very poor showing last week against the codgers, a bottom of the barrel rotten apple outfit who were made to look like Granny Smiths finest selection. Almaty had a strong squad to choose from:

1. Ger ‘posh spice’ Sweetman
2. Billy ‘no-mates’ Murphy
3. Tadhg ‘Extreme Makeover’ O’Connell
4. James ‘Billy Troy’ Galvin
5. Antony ‘Von-Trap’ Spratt
6. Alex ‘token catholic’ O’ Donovan
7. Phil ‘Smyth with a Y?’ Smyth
8. Gavin ‘Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino’ Jeffries

Citco form coming into this crunch game had been abysmal with 2 straight defeats. On paper the squad looked solid with hard men Peter ‘20 Carrolls’ Carroll, Nigel ‘Mr. Citco’ Wilkins and Mark ‘Turn coat’ Dawson in the squad. Before the game, the referee questioned the Citco goalkeeping arrangements as it looked as if they had 2 goal keepers on the pitch, this issue was clarified when it turned out the goalkeeper was just fairly big boned.

And so to the match, Almaty set about their task in a disciplined manner trying to assert their carpet football quick passing style on the game. However, good possession didn’t convert into any goals and they conceded the first goal after about 10 minutes. A Citco long ball was won in the air by the dangerous aerial supreme threat of ‘20 Carrolls’ who flicked it past ‘Posh Spice’ in the Almaty goal. Von-Traps calculator trajectory maths ability didn’t do him much good as he was easily beaten in the air. This was the only blemish in another wise fine game for the young protestant of German extract.

The deficit was cancelled out fairly quickly. Yes, the equaliser came after quick thinking from the impressive self proclaimed ‘Dr. Phil’. His short pass from a quick free kick to Alex on the edge of the area was ruthlessly hit with a right-foot volley penetrating the back of the Citco net with Big Boy Brosnan scampering back like a bulldog chasing skirt.

Citco were not to be undermined, their hard tackling, disciplined direct style once again paid off, with them retaking the lead. An Almaty throw to the only catholic on the team, Alex, who cheaply given away when he claimed he heard a whistle. The busy Fergus from Citco pounced on the error and the ball was worked into the Almaty net giving Citco a 2nd goal and more importantly the lead!!!

A James G special (double nut-meg followed by a triple drag-back) after some good inter-passing put the Anglicans back on level pegging.

So it was, our immigrant referee blew for half time against his will, saying that in his country only women take a break at a half time, real men keep playing.

Strong but level headed words were said at half time by the Almaty management, identifying the problem areas and reiterating the ‘no mistakes’/‘hard work’/’total football’ attitude that would win them the game.

And so it resumed, the second half, a half where Almaty would show their true metal, the tempo was raised and the passing became crisper

However, Citco came back strongly with a fair share of the possession and numerous corners but never looked liked opening up a dogged Almaty rearguard. A now all too seldom run by the ageing Alex (some say he has no age just a number) from the middle led to the lead goal. After a gap opened in the Citco defence Alex laid off to the self hyped ‘Professor Phil’ to finish with a low drive to make it 3-2 to the distinguished gentlemen.

The 4th goal followed quickly; a goalkeeping mistake by Big Boy Brosnan in the Citco goal left him stranded miles from goal allowing great vision by the modest ‘Mr. Phil’ to score on left touch line just inside the opponents half.

Before the referee had time to blow ‘God Save the Queen’ on his whistle a 5th goal from the Almaty Chargers finished the game as a contest. Again a neat finish by the soon to be ‘Sir Phil’ again left the mammoth CITCO keeper flapping like Dustin’s big brother.

The game was played in a good spirit overall with some friends and comrades and members of the secret protestant stonecutters club playing on opposing sides. The early pressure from Citco with their direct style was in contrast to the gravity carpet style of Almaty. An elbow by Citco keeper Mini-van Brosnan on ‘candyfloss’ Galvin in the last minute of the game was out of quilter with the good natured way the game was played. Later the troubled keeper was quoted as ‘wanting to break the nose of that guy with the perm’. Breaking someone’s nose is not a pleasant experience and was condoned by one and all as bad sportsmanship of the highest order. Having said that Almaty are willing to forgive and are open to giving the big man a group hug and share the love. A spokesperson from the Blue machine was quoted as ‘wishing him well and hopefully solving his off the pitch problems sooner rather than later’.

An F.A.I. incident room has been set up to investigate with a Star Trek Genesis report forthcoming on the matter.

Quotes from the gaffer’s post match conference:
• “I hope the Injury to Billy isn’t too serious; he is an intricate element of the Almaty football factory”

• “A much improved team performance but must be carried out on a weekly basis, like all great teams”

Man-of the match:
The one and only Dr. Phil – who’s quick thinking and vision ensured a great win for Almaty over their local rivals.