Fat Spratt signs!

After months of perseverance Almaty have finally got their man! A press release today confirmed that Fat Spratt had passed a medical and has been signed just in time to beat the transfer deadline.

A delegation of Almaty officials had recently travelled to Las Vegas to secure David "Phat-man" Spratt's signature. "Yes, I'm delighted to sign for such a prestigious club as Almaty Athletic" Spratt said to reporters at the press conference.



Avondale manager, John Caulfield, is said to be fuming after losing his star striker but wished the player well: "I really can't blame a player for wanting bigger and better things. In the end we just couldn't break our wage structure". It is reported that Spratt has signed a two-year free KC's twice a week contract.

Almaty's Next Top Model

Jeremy "Sugababe" Sweetnam



James "I'm too cool for school" Galvin



Borat

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Almaty's lucky mascot...

Alex's dog Elmo...

9 DIE AS ALMATY CELEBRATE FIRST TITLE

reported by Jeremy "Scoops" Sweetnam...

Fanatical Almaty Athletic fans spilled onto the streets of the country's second city last night as the boys in blue clinched their first ever title at the hands of hapless Whitfords. In a delightful show of support the natives crammed onto the city's main street and fired multiple rounds from their Kalashnikovs into the air in celebration. A heavy army presence and a more restrained approach to victory resulted in a mere 9 fatalities amidst the rapturous scenes. Indeed authorities must be pleased that the death count was considerably down on the bloodbath of 2004 when Astana Astros won their fourth Central Asian Gypsy Clubbing Title.

In a tense evening, Almaty ultimately romped to a comfortable 7-0 victory and that, along with Slievenamon’s draw last week (which meant they didn't have to rely on those useless Citco feckers who lost 4-1 last night), was enough to secure the league in some style. Once again Almaty started without Morgan 'Who Are Ya' Foley and Jim 'London’s Calling' Butler. Joining them on the sidelines was Alex '56 Days' O'Donovan, who is keen to extend his injury free run by, er, not playing again. Ever. Despite the absentees the line up was a familiar one, with Gav 'Czech Mate' Jeffery leading the line, SP in the middle, and “Tiger” O'Connell, “Gaffer” Spratt, and James “Kazakhstan’s Next Top Model” Galvin at the back. Billy “What About Me” Murphy completed the seven. Again Almaty started tentatively, and, with the game delicately poised, Safehands was called into action twice to repel long range efforts from Whitfords. Soon, though, “Tiger” and “Gaffer” tightened up and Safehands was not called upon again. Instead Almaty gradually took control of the game; and the season. Closely following the script of previous weeks, they went on to miss a series of guilt edged chances. Particularly culpable were Ant “Two Left Feet” Spratt and Gav "Did the Czech Bounce?” Jeffery, who both spurned easy opportunities. It was no surprise, however, when a determined SP finally slammed in the first mid way through the first half. Almaty continued to press and grabbed a deserved second before half time. Whitfords were a shadow of the team that did near terminal damage to Almaty’s title charge mid-season and, as news filtered through of Slievenamon's predicament, Almaty relaxed in the second half and thoroughly destroyed their opponents. “A Score is a Score” Jeffery grabbed another three, SP one and “Gaffer” one as the Kazakh maestros ran riot in a flawless display of champagne showboating, which included at least two back heeled finishes.

The local council in Almaty has now declared one week of National Celebration in Honour of the Glorious Defenders of the Fatherland and a further day of mourning for its dead fans. “Gaffer” Spratt has lifted the season long sex and alcohol ban as the team will be allowed let their hair down this Friday in the, er, exclusive Redz Nite Club. No doubt this will mean copious amounts of both this weekend for the victorious players. Rumours that Rio Ferdinand has been drafted in to organise the post season party have not been denied by “Gaffer”...

Ready, steady.... blast-off!

Tadhg and Gaffer try to contain their excitement for tonight's finale!











After 13 gruelling weeks the Almaty squad is making last minute preparations for their final game of the season tonight.

Whilst Almaty have hope of lifting the silverware, contrary to last season, their fate is in the lap of the Citco Gods. Despite beating Slievenamon twice this season, Almaty lie in second place due to a weaker goal scoring tally. Thus, assuming Citco roll-over tonight (as has been typical of their season so far) and allow Slievenamon to take all three points a win for Almaty will not be enough.

And will such a win be so easilt got? Almaty's previous encounter with tonight's opposition, Whitfords, saw them lose 4-0 – a shattering blow to their confidence from which they never fully recovered. Similar to last week, the Almaty players will have tired legs from earlier 11-a-side training sessions. (The Almaty board is considering a proposal to revert to the Wed night league format next year to avoid the end-of-season burnout.) The only notable absentee is Jim "Lamps" Butler who's transfer forms were finalised this week (ED: "Good riddance…"). It is uncertain also whether Morgan "Axel" Foley will make an appearance – his whereabouts are unknown. Dr. Phil has offered his services though.

The memories of last year's defeat on the last day of the season are still fresh with a lot of the Almaty players and will spur them on for tonight's game.

Title or no title the Almaty end of season par-tay will take place this Friday in Redz nightclub at 8.30pm - WAGS and fans welcome!

Almaty Athletic 3 Gleibenhagg FC 4

Spot the sulk!

Almaty went into tonight’s game knowing that at a minimum a point was required to keep their title ambitions within their own hands; sadly this was not to be. Keith “Kinky Games” SP was out with “a pain in his chest” and his loss was to prove crucial. In his absence Dr Phil was recalled to add a bit of class to the team. Long term absentee Morgan “who are you?” Foley was also unavailable, as well as Jim “drinks like a fish” Butler, who was going cold turkey after a heavy weekend of abuse. The team lined up with Safehands in goal, a back three of James G, Tadhg and Dr. Phil, Alex in midfield and Gav up top. Ant and Billy started on the bench.

The game started at a high pace and as is typical of Almaty’s season so far they conceded an early goal. Gliebenhagg’s striker found space on the left and curled a right footed effort into top corner given Safehands no chance. The Hagg’s doubled their lead five minutes later when a strong shot was handled like a hot potato by Safehands. The ball fell to the Hagg’s striker who duly turned and slotted home for their second. Disaster was to strike again five minutes later when the Hagg’s made it three. As Almaty pressed they got suckered on the counter-attack. The Hagg’s forward broke free on the right finished beautifully again with the aid of the post; and again giving Safehands no chance. The fourth came shortly afterwards when the Hagg’s striker received the ball with his back to the goal; swiveled and slotted home to the bottom corner.

Despite the four goals conceded the Hagg’s were not the only team in the game. Almaty played with pace and determination but lacked the killer touch up front. Chance after chance went a begging. In a key moment James G threaded a great through ball to the oncoming Spratt who was cynically taken out by the Hagg’s defender. This was the first of many dirty challenges by men from Gliebenhagg. Alas the little gay referee signaled only for a free kick. No yellow? And no penalty? Crouchy nearly took full advantage but the resultant free kick cannoned off the woodwork. Almaty did manage to pull one back before half time when Gav “got the ball, turned and shot low to the keeper’s left… after missing umpteen chances beforehand!!!” Quote unquote.

The Almaty players took stock at half-time; whilst somewhat dejected there was a feeling among the group that a comeback could be on the cards. The only thing holding them back was the pre-season training most players had undertaken before the game. They would have to play the second half on reserves.

The second half began in the same vein as the first: a high-paced game with a lot of dirty tackles. Tempers boiled over when another bad tackle by Hagg’s baldy striker resulted in Tadhg raising his hands (“you just can’t do that, the players know, when you raise your hands etc. etc…”) to the little twat. The altercation resulted in both players being sin binned. However, this was to work to Almaty’s advantage as the game was now more open. Almaty fans were left wondering whether or not it was to be their night when Dr Phil rounded the keeper only to slot the ball wide of the open goal. Almaty’s cause was helped further when the ref finally made a decision and sin binned another Hagg’s player for petulance. A breakthrough came when a ball was laid off to Spratt on the right hand side who drilled a low shot into the bottom corner; his first of the season! The second followed shortly after some good work from Alex saw him slip the ball past the oncoming keeper to Spratt who guided the ball towards the net and was ultimately knocked in by the Hagg’s defender – they all count. 4-3! Despite huge pressure Almaty were unable to secure the fourth in what would have been a memorable comeback. A man of the match display by the Hagg’s keeper saw him produce some great saves to deny Almaty.

Tempers flared again at the end when Jer “Handbags” Sweetnam was bowled over for the second time by the baldy c*nt of a forward. After much shaping and dishing the handbags were put away and the final whistle was blown.

Working on the assumption that Slievenamon won their game the two sides are now level on points but Slievenamon have a much better goal difference. The last day of the season will see Almaty play Whitfords and Slievenamon play Citco. It is fairly safe to assume that Citco will roll over like a pack of pansies leaving Almaty with only pride to play for after losing 4-0 to Whitfords earlier on in the season.


Dejected Almaty players!

Can Almaty overcome weekend excesses?

In the penultimate game of the season, Almaty Athletic face stiff opposition in the form of Gliebenhagg FC, who are buzzing after a 7-2 win over Whitfords last week. Almaty narrowly beat the Haggs in their previous encounter 3-2 but a heavy weekend of booze, transvestites and general misbehaviour by a large portion of the squad as cast doubts on a victory tonight.

Gaffer has taken decisive, yet somewhat cruel, action by informing Jim "Legend" Butler that after a dismal Sun footie display he will not be starting in what would prove to be his final game for Almaty. He will also be without the services of Axel Foley as he has not yet returned from holidays. There are also question marks as to whether Alex "Duvet Day" O'Donovan is in the right frame of mind for tonight's epic battle. The rock that is SP is also rated as doubtful after waking up with chest pains this morning (ED: "SP you will have to lay-off the whips and chains!"). However, Almaty fans will be comforted by the fact that Dr "Who are ya?" Phil is set to step in.

Almaty require four points from their last two games but Gaffer will not be satisfied with nothing less than two wins.

Position vacant

The following was placed in both today's Examiner and Evening Echo...