ALMATY EDGE SLEIVE IN FIVE GOAL THRILLER
As reported by Jeremy "Triple Vodka and West Coast Cooler please" Sweetnam Almaty emerged victorious from this clash of two of the premier sides in this year’s league with a performance of style and substance that has vanquished the memories of last season’s near misses against similar opposition and has seen bookies slashing their title winning odds.
With defensive rock Keith “Daisy Cutter” Espey still missing due to “other commitments” (SP: 1. Almaty, 2. Work, 3. GF; NOT 1. Work, 2. GF, 3. Almaty) it was left to Tadhg “not afraid to put his foot through it” O’Connell to fill the void left by the former Leeds legend. With Billy “f*ck off Dawson” Murphy on the treatment table, Almaty were happy* to welcome back “Lamps” Butler after a two week sojourn in Greek fatcamp. Phil “It’s Smith with an ‘i’ you twat” Smith continued to provide more than adequate cover in midfield.
* hmmm, would we say ‘happy’, would we……?
In an evening of shocks, “Lamps” startled everybody by comfortably fitting into his shiny new Uhlsport shorts. Reports that Jer “Big Nev with an emphasis on the “Big” Sweetnam will be packed off to Greek fatcamp for two weeks have been denied by the bubbly / jolly / loveable shot stopper.
The game started at a frantic pace with both sides trying to play some good stuff. Despite not being their normal fluid selves Almaty still managed to display a little more composure and poise on the ball. Slieve were a useful outfit though and it was noticeable how little time Almaty’s creative influences had on the ball in general play. In what must be developing into a worrying trend for management at Almaty, they once again conceded first, and in all too familiar circumstances, as Alex “Phil never gets caught out dallying like that” O’Donovan was caught out dallying on a pass from Tadhg. Ever alive to the sniff of a chance Slieve pored forward and finished well in the bottom right hand corner. 0-1.
Almaty were more than a match for their illustrious opponents, however the better chances in the first half all fell to Slieve, who hit the post from distance and forced a useful one on one save from Jer “Lev Yashin / Dino Zoff / Renat Dassayev / Peter Schmeichel / Big Nev - take your pick” Sweetnam. A mistimed jump from Phil “Alex would have made it his” Smith allowed Slieve to nip in for another chance, this time a looping header which bounced off the top of the cross bar. At the other end, Almaty looked worrying toothless with only a couple of half chances, spurned by “Lamps” Butler and James “the Caucasian Kanu” Galvin, to show for all their possession, the latter an audacious attempted lob of the stranded Slieve keeper.
Slieve continued to press hard and there was no doubt that this contest had a far more even look about it than perhaps any other match up Alamty had played in to date. Slieve knew their stuff, as demonstrated by their repeated hurling of throw ins at the near post in search of a deflection as well as a shameless Hand of God intervention which, if Tomasz had not been paying attention, could have yielded more tangible results. Some aggressive tackling from both sides, particularly from Alex “If Phil is getting ratty then so will I” O’Donovan, served only to heighten tensions as the game ebbed and flowed at both ends.
Then, on the stroke of half time, Grzegorz allowed one more Almaty throw in, even as the crowd bayed for a whistle. Somehow the otherwise resolute Slieve defence switched off, allowing Alex “You wouldn’t see Phil control, turn and finish superbly like that” O’Donovan time and space to control, turn and finish superbly. 1-1. And a titanic second half loomed.
Almaty began the second half with some conviction and they were soon rewarded as more fine interplay culminated with an excellent goal from Gav “Crouchy – but who will I be once he leaves the fields of Anfield Road?” Jeffery. Again though Almaty switched off defensively, leaving Slieve a route back into the game as Gaffer “Do as I say not as I do” Spratt was caught badly in possession. Slieve accepted the gift and slotted home off the post. 2-2. And the match was now on a knife edge.
The tension mounted as Phil “If Alex is getting ratty then so will I” Smith allowed his frustrations to boil over at a hapless Ludwik, who, despite coming from a proud country which has survived decades of fascist / commie oppression, must surely have pined for those halcyon days as he found himself at the receiving end of an unprecedented tirade from Phil “I wish I could do this in hockey” Smith.
Fine saves from Jer “Jose Luis Chilavert / Pat Jennings / Petr Cech – take your pick” Sweetnam followed, the first from a free kick and the second from a well directed cross shot. Then another quick break up-field ended with “The Caucasian Kanu” finishing expertly to re-establish a one goal lead.
There was still time for a further save from Jer “Shilts / Brucey / Gianluigi Buffon / Gordon Banks – again, take your pick” Sweetnam and some backs to the wall stuff as tempers continued to teeter on the brink of all out confrontation. Slieve grew increasingly desperate but this time the Almaty defence, ably marshalled by “Not afraid to put his foot through it” and “Gaffer” held firm.
There will be few sterner examinations than this in the coming season, and, unlike last year, Almaty were able convert possession into points against a very useful experienced side. For Almaty then, the real test will be in converting dominance into further wins and eliminating their worrying tendency to concede soft goals. Now if SP can just get his priorities right…
Angry Gaffer after last week's performance
A consolation goal was not forthcoming and to be honest was not deserved. Almaty came across a resilient Whitford defence and lacked the guile to break them down. Whitford weren't particularly creative, in fact they didn't really create anything themselves, but Almaty's four gifts were gratefully accepted and they were comfortable defending deep and in numbers to stifle Almaty's attacks. It was a bitter pill for Almaty fans to swallow who are used to seeing their team succeeding.
There were notable performances by Morgan who was solid on his return and from Billy who had an inspired spell when he made some superb tackles. JamesG moved to second on the Universe's All-Time List of Assists, behind Mother Teresa. However it was “Safehands” who picked up the gong for man-of-the-match; his crucial saves ensured Almaty took all three points.
![[TadhgLookalike.jpg]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAiE2IonwaCuVBlPzju_yJuOcyjFPgEjWOUH97Jaxnt7NKRtB699BD30GoAkFPqyhwRZvY0UvGLJ-j1NSlxJS6ofyYIMH3KwZEPH14W-6s7HqV5u40w_7FdgAnwz0w8-DmF4ia0ljNPpI/s1600/TadhgLookalike.jpg)
stay in Fat Camp in Greece. Gaffer Spratt had sent Butler away for an intensive two week program in what he had hoped would help ease his weight problem.
As if that wasn’t bad enough Spratt then picked up the Sun to discover that Butler was featuring on page 3…. In a sarong!!!
