End of Season Awards Night

A selection of the best Almaty players attended the glitzy Astro Leagues Awards night last night. It was a black-tie affair and the red carpet was rolled out.


Jeremy Sweetnam Esquire

The WAGS were out in force and looking incredible! Bottles of Don Perignon were being popped like candy. A gorgeus selection of hors d'oeuvres was served; the smoked salmon and cavair went down a treat.



Gav "Crouchy" Jeffers

But then again maybe this reporter was dreaming or sitting too close to Billy "Funny stuff" Murphy!!!


Here's a selection of the official photos:



League Top Scorer: Gavin Jeffery



Self-proclaimed Team Captain: Alex O'Donovan



Best Goalkeeper: Barry Sheehan



"Safehands" Sweetnam trying to explain to the lads why in fact he was the best goalkeeper in the league and that the refs didn't know shit!

2009 Almaty Squad

Back row (l-r): Billy Murphy, Alex O'Donovan, Dave Smith, Phil Smith

Front row (l-r): Gavin Jeffery, Antony Spratt, Mark Dawson

Absent: Marco Machado, Jeremy Sweetnam

Almaty Athletic 2 FC Miracle 1

Almaty Facists 2 Communists 1

“Marxist subversives silenced for another season”

As Karl Marx once said in a letter to his father: “History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy”

On Tuesday night Almaty Athletic ennobled themselves by working together for the common good, not for the common good of peasants sharing the new found wealth of the State, so that all men are equal but for the good of her Majesty and the extreme right wing facist views of her loyal subject Antony Paul Joseph Goebbels Spratt and his new world order of puritan capitalism. And yes they were happy and made people happy with a hard fought 2-1 victory over the new communist enemy in our midst, a sour reminder of the Celtic Tiger and all its misgivings.

Absentees on the night include Marco-Medallion (sunning himself in Portugal) and Jeremy ”sweet-talking” Sweetman ("How many times do I have to tell you imbeciles - it's SweetNAM! Christ") who was up in Dublin for the day searching for a 6* hotel as 5* hotels are for peasants and poor people.

Goebbells volunteered to go on goal, being one of Hiltler's closest associates and most devout followers, eventually succeeding him as Chancellor of Germany (an office he held for only one day), he was well used to emergency situations that required emergency action. (He once sent a delegation to seek a ceasefire with the Russians). Goebbels wasn’t happy with his match day attire, as he had to wear super sticky builder’s gloves provided by Dave “shaggy dog” Smith.



Sir Phil Walter Raleigh started on the bench due to his late arrival, he had once again been imprisoned in the Tower, this time for allegedly being involved in the main plot against King James 1st who was not favourably disposed toward him. Luckily for Almaty he was released just in time for kick off, at 18.30hrs, and was ordered to silence the threat of communism.

Almaty started brightly and created a few chances. The communists though came close to scoring when they whacked a hot shot straight at Goebbels face from about 5 yards out. His glasses were smashed, but he vowed to carry on, determined to silence the rising red tide.

Almaty weathered the storm. The pre match talk had been about work ethic, the German way, closing down the enemy and winning each physical battle. Concentration was also outlined as paramount, a lack of which had been a major contributor to two successive defeats in as many weeks.

An Almaty attack, from a quick throw and some neat passing, led to the opening goal. Stefano Jefferies, pounced on a through ball and guillotined the ball into the corner of the net like the head of a disobedient servant; 1-0 to the Fascists.

A point noted by all on the night was the change in performance from Billy ’bong’ Murphy. Rumour has it, young Billy spent time over the summer in the Rutland and has been clean for 3 whole months.

Before the Rutland (Billy’s lunch)

After the Rutland (Billy’s underwear)


Billy was up and down the pitch all night with renewed energy (all legal), and let rip with a half volley mid way through the first half which forced a good save from
Their goalkeeper “The Iron Curtain”.

Mark “mexicano” Dawson was like a rash again all over the the red striker, on some occasions a bit too close, some say it bordered on penetration, but Dawson is a practising metro-sexual as seen in picture below with his lovely mail order Mexican bride.

The game continued with lots of slick one/two touch passing movements. Half time came, with a team talk that took stock of the great work effort, concentration and togetherness that was shown in the first half. Goebbels stressed that the team needed to keep it up with strong defending, and efficient use of the ball needed to press on and win the game. ‘The German Way’ he stressed was the only way. Five minutes into 2nd half the red tide finally breached the German defence and equalised . A sniper left unmarked on right hand side of the circle slotted it home through Dawson's legs, who had work permits and illegal immigrants clearly on his mind. Still socialist snipers are clinically trained and this was all too apparent.

Not to worry, Almaty regrouped and kept playing the same way, crisp passing, keeping it on the floor, work ethic, concentration, and much more intense pressure made it difficult for the enemy.

A bad tackle on Alex ‘I love the potato even though it’s a peasants' food’ O'Donovan when he was brutally halved from behind by a foreign intruder, looked like it was curtains for him on the night. Known as Mr. Glass, he explained his injury crisis to Goebbels Spratt one night over a glass of fine wine: “I have something called Osteogenesis Imperfecta. It's a genetic disorder. I don't make a particular protein very well and it makes my bones very low in density... very easy to break Your bones don't break, mine do. That's clear. Your cells react to bacteria and viruses differently than mine. You don't get sick, I do. That's also clear. But for some reason, you and I react the exact same way to water. We swallow it too fast, we choke. We get some in our lungs, we drown. However unreal it may seem, we are connected, you and I. We're on the same curve, just on opposite ends”. Miraculously he picked himself off the ground, dusted himself down and played on!

The winner from Almaty came with 14 minutes left on the clock. Almaty on the defense stole possession, Alex putting the feet of flames into a rear 4th gear (5th is no longer accessible) made ground up the wing. Sir Walter Smith screamed for a pass in the middle which was duly obliged. Smith, controlled with first touch then placed the ball neatly into the bottom left corner, sliding it in so to say.

The final whistle came after a determined rear guard with jeers from the communist onlookers and chanting “Champion-ays, Champion-ays”. Earlier a hardened socialist got sent-off for stamping on Gavin ‘Stefano’ Jeffery.

One memorable moment was when a frisky female fan ran on to the pitch and tried to cause a riot, Goebbels was quoted as saying “it certainly turned me on”.

Man of the match went to Billy “Doobie” Murphy who was awarded a commemorative reminder of the occasion:


I leave you with a quote from our departing gaffer, Hier-Josef Spratt:

“People are tired of liberty. They have had a surfeit of it. Liberty is no longer a chaste and austere virgin… Today’s youth are moved by other slogans… Order, Hierarchy, Discipline.”

Gaffer in shock retirement announcement!

On the eve of Almaty’s final game of the season, Sky News broke the news today that Gaffer Spratt has announced his retirement from the top post as Almaty Gaffer. After a three year spell which has brought one championship title and two 2nd place finishes the Gaffer said he’s taken the team as far as he can. When asked about the rumours that he had been approached by another club he strongly denied these allegations claiming Almaty was the only team for him.

The Gaffer is aiming to go out on a winning streak and hopes that his player put in a world class display of “pass and move” style they have been renowned for when they face the newly crowned champions FC Miracle tomorrow night. “I’d just love it if we beat… just love it” said Spratt “especially given that they haven’t been defeated yet this season”.

Almaty will welcome back Billy “The Kid” Murphy to the fold after a couple of week’s absence. Unfortunately they will have to do without the services of Marco “Soaking up the sun” Machado and Phil “pre-season” Smith. It is still unsure whether Alex “Libel” O’Donovan will make an appearance. It is rumoured that he was not happy about been shouted at by "plantation landowners" last week. It is tough being the only Catholic on the team!

Gaffer in shock retirement announcement!

On the eve of Almaty’s final game of the season, Sky News broke the news today that Gaffer Spratt has announced his retirement from the top post as Almaty Gaffer. After a three year spell which has brought one championship title and two 2nd place finishes the Gaffer said he’s taken the team as far as he can. When asked about the rumours that he had been approached by another club he strongly denied these allegations claiming Almaty was the only team for him.

The Gaffer is aiming to go out on a winning streak and hopes that his player put in a world class display of “pass and move” style they have been renowned for when they face the newly crowned champions FC Miracle tomorrow night. “I’d just love it if we beat… just love it” said Spratt “especially given that they haven’t been defeated yet this season”.

Almaty will welcome back Billy “The Kid” Murphy to the fold after a couple of week’s absence. Unfortunately they will have to do without the services of Marco “Soaking up the sun” Machado and Phil “pre-season” Smith. It is still unsure whether Alex “Libel” O’Donovan will make an appearance. It is rumoured that he was not happy about been shouted at by "plantation landowners" last week. It is tough being the only Catholic on the team!

Almaty Athletic 2 The Bananaskins 3

Bad night for Almaty

Almaty fans were left disappointed last night as their hopes of regaining their title were dashed last night as FC Miracle were crowned champions last night after beating City Ramblers 4-2. It was irrelevant that FC Miracle had earned the three points which guaranteed them the championship as disappointedly Almaty lost 3-2 to The Bananaskins.

The Bananaskins were a much improved side with the two Butler adding a bit of class. Almaty started with Gav “must score 2 goals” Jeffery upfront, Alex “everybody goes Kung Fu fighting” O’Donovan in the centre and the usual back three of Dawse, Dave Smith and Spratt. After last week’s walkover and a grueling 6-a-side session the previous night Almaty players looked out of sort. Too much time was been taken on the ball; passes were going astray and there was a general lack of confidence. Almaty were punished twice in the first half when they failed to close down the runners from midfield and allowed them to shot. Things were not looking good at half-time as Almaty trailed by two. However, word spread through that FC Miracle were only winning by one goal and that there was hope that there could be an upset in that game.

Almaty began to press their opposition in the hope of forcing some errors. Their pressure paid off as Gav “only one more goal to score” Jeffery finished neatly after some good play. Five minutes later Gav “waahoo I’m top scorer now” Jeffery bagged his second. With the game poised at 2-2 Almaty fans began to urge their team forward as they could see they had the momentum. However, disaster was to strike with five minutes left on the clock. The ball went out for an Almaty throw-in on the left hand side. “Safehands” Sweetnam rushed to get the ball and took the throw himself only for O’Donovan to be dispossessed. With Safehands stranded the Bananaskins striker had an open goal to tap into. There were strong similarities to the crucial goal Almaty conceded against Gliebenhagg a couple of weeks ago. Will they ever learn?!

The Almaty players came off the field somewhat dejected and their mood could not be helped by the chants of “Champion-ays, Champion-ays, oh ay, oh ay, oh ay!” from the pitch beside them. Almaty play FC Miracle in the last game of the season next week. They will be eager to beat them not only to prove a point but also to secure second place.

Make or break!

It is the penultimate round of games in astro leagues tonight. Almaty will be praying that 3rd place City Ramblers will cause an upset by getting a result against the league leaders FC Miracle. If FC Miracle were to drop points tonight and assuming Almaty win then the title will be decided next week when the two teams face each other. Otherwise, FC Miracle will be crowned champions tonight.

Almaty’s opposition tonight is The Bananaskins. They comfortably beat them 8-1 in their first meeting however they will be without the services of star players Marco Machado (who’s fecked off home to Portugal as he’s had enough of the miserable Irish weather!) and Phil Smith (pre-season friendly). As a result Niall “Stopper” Murphy has been given a recall after an impressive display at Sun (technically Mon) footie this week.

Almaty Athletic 6 2 Touch 0

Walkover!

Almaty earned another three points but did so without kicking a ball in anger. Late last night it was discovered that 2 Touch had got into financial difficulty and a liquidator was appointed - another casualty to the economic crisis.

Unfortunately FC Miracle beat Majestic Rovers to maintain their lead at the top. If they fail to win next week in their penultimate game against their bitter rivals City Ramblers then Almaty will have a shot of the silverware in the last game of the season.



* Mr Walk Over has been credited with the 6 goals... however the Gaffer says he is acceptable to offers for credit for the goals... Marco?? Gav??

League top scorer chart
21 Marco (Almaty)
20 Gav (Almaty)
15 Denis Quaid (Gliebenhagg FC)

Can Almaty bounce back?

After last week’s shocking defeat (Almaty’s first of the season) the players are aiming to get back on track as they face 2 Touch tonight. The squad have weighed in behind Gaffer Spratt who was devastated after last week’s organisational fiasco. “Mistakes happen - he is still the best accountant this team has” commented Sweetnam. After Madrid could not match Almaty’s valuation for their Portugesse whizkid, Machado came out in support of the beleaguered Gaffer. “Come on guys, I never wanted to leave you!”

Phil “never gives up” Smith returns to the squad after a week’s holidays in the Canaries. He was put through a gruelling 1 ½ hour Sun footie session last night and will hopefully have sweated out all of the excess alcohol from his system. The only absentee is Billy “D4” Murphy who has been loaned out to a team from Dublin. “OMG I couldn’t believe it when the Gaffer said he was sending me on loan to Foxtrot AFC – they are soooo the best team in the suburbs.”

Whilst the title is now FC Miracle’s to lose Almaty can only hope that City Ramblers will get a result against their arch rivals next week to set-up a grand finale when Almaty face FC Miracle on the last day of the season.

Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg FC 4

Almaty Crumble as Gaffer Loses the Abacus and Plot

Almaty’s bid to retain their title suffered irreparable damage last night as they conceded a late goal to go down 4-3 to Gliebenhagg FC. In a calamitous night for Gaffer Spratt THREE of his side declared themselves unavailable for the crunch tussle. PHIL SMITH stormed out of training last week and was last seen partying well into the earlier hours in THE CANARIES. In another worrying development, SAFEHANDS SWEETNAM failed to report for duty either, claiming he was “in Dublin” “on business”. Reports suggesting he refused to hand over his “I can’t believe they’re this sticky” Umbro gloves have yet to be denied by insiders. And in the most worrying development MARCO MACHEDO was seen in a classy Cork restaurant (ed: is that an oxymoron?) dining on oysters and scallops as his team floundered.

Gaffer Spratt, an accountant in his spare time, must have lost his abacus prior to the match as only 5 Almaty regulars took the field in this most important of clashes. As Gaffer counted the numbers on his fingers, youth teamers, Nigel “I’ll only play if Lamps is away” and Paul “little bro” Dawson were late call ups to the side.


Wanted: Lost abacus - handsome reward

Despite the travails of the Gaffer, things started well for Almaty. Nevertheless they quickly found themselves 2-0 down to a Gliebenhagg side which scented blood.

Almaty stepped up a gear and their pressure was rewarded just before half-time when Dave "can't stop me scoring now" Smith bagged a goal. At half-time the talk was all about finding the passing rhythm again and composure which had served them well in past weeks. The players though had lost all respect for the Gaffer at this stage and it went in one ear and out the other.

Ten minutes into the second half Almaty conceded a third. The players became quiet and the heads dropped. Their hopes were raised however when Gav "long legs" Jeffery poked home. With five to go Almaty got the equaliser through Mark "Big small bro" Dawson.

The Almaty fans urged their team on to seek the winner knowing that three points were vital. However, the nerves got the better of the players. Alex "still going strong at 33" O'Donovan was fouled on the left side in the Almaty half. Rather than taking the free himself he wandered up the field. To make amends for his earlier mistakes Gaffer "PANIC STATIONS" Spratt rushed out from goal to take the free. The ball was squared to Dave Smith in the right full position who played a return ball to Spratt. Rather than going for the sensible punt up the field Spratt played a ball into Dawse who was just recovering from tying his laces and was susequently dispossed. With Spratt stranded the Hagg player slipped the ball into the back of the net. Disaster!!

And so Almaty must now rely favours from others if they are to retain their title. Angry supporters shouted “you don’t know what you’re doing!” at beleaguered Spratt as he left the field in despair. The players and board this morning handed him the dreaded VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, which is sure increase uncertainty around his future. Speaking in the Portuguese press, Machado has also given his backing to the manger: “I fully sport zee gaffer, hee is berry berry important too mee…wha? Senor Pelegrini is on zee telefon… for me? I must, how you say, issue zee transfer request…”

Bring on the Haggs!

Almaty face Gliebenhagg tonight in what is another crucial game in their bid for silverware this season. Two points adrift of FC Miracle Almaty have to continue their winning streak to ensure that come the last day of the season they will know that a win over the league leaders will secure them the title.

It will not be an easy task tonight. Almaty only managed a 3-3 draw in the first round game against the Haggs. Their cause was not helped by conceding 3 goals in the first 10 mins. Definitely out for tonight is Phil “Bruiser” Smith as he takes a week’s holiday. Billy “Technical Drawing” Murphy is also missing as he continues his work experience up in Dublin. “Safer than safe” Sweetnam is also likely to be an absentee as he is also on a day trip to the big smoke.

However, Almaty will still have a strong squad with Ant, Phil, Mark, Alex, Gav and Marco.

Almaty Athletic 12 The Invincibles 2

Almaty continued their good run of form with a 12-2 thrashing of The Invincibles. There were concerns that they would struggle to break down The Invincibles 5 man defence but that was not to be! At half-time Almaty were 7-0 up... they then scored a couple of more early on in the second half before The Invincibles managed to pull 2 back.

Points of note:
- Dave "if Phil can score so can I" Smith managed to score his first for Almaty in the first half and followed up with another in the second half... he is still recovering from the nose bleed
- Phil "all shoulders" Smith getting into a head to head with the nutcase Invincibles player in the first half
- scoring a goal after about 20 passes... a contender for goal of the season
- Marco's sublime goal from an impossible angle early on in the second half (Jim "Lamps" Butler would have been very proud of it)

Unfortunately FC Miracle beat 2 touch 6-3 to maintain their 2 goal lead at the top. Almaty face Gliebenhagg next week which is sure to be a tough match.

Almaty set to test The Invincibles

Almaty face The Invincibles, who are currently rooted to the bottom of the table, at 8pm tonight. Despite their position in the league The Invincibles have a strong defence and outside the top three teams they have conceded the least amount of goals. Barry “I’ll see you in court!” Sheehan (who has scared many a striker with his large presence in goal) takes a lot of the credit for their good record along with their 1-5-0-0 formation. Almaty are all too familiar with their negative tactics which has resulted in such a stat having narrowly beaten them 1-0 in their first round game. However, with Gav “I’ll catch you yet Marco” Jeffers and Marco “no chance Gav” Machado both gunning for goals it will be hard for The Invincibles to contain them. Even Phil “I can score!” Smith will look to contribute.

Apart from Billy “off to the Pale” Murphy Almaty have a full squad. They welcome the return of Jeremy “Safehands” Sweetnam who proved he can take a ball by catching one of the footballs Rod Stewart kicked into the crowd last week. Unfortunately, John “I can’t believe I’m cut again!” Murphy has not been given a recall. The Sunday World is publishing a full-page interview by John “So Bitter” Murphy on this outrageous decision.

Almaty Athletic 14 Majestic Rovers 1

It was a night to remember as Almaty Athletic recorded their highest ever victory in their short history in what can only be described as a demolishion!

Things didn't look good for Almaty as Billy "damn that ankle" Murphy and Marco "must have gone to Rod Stewart also" Machado cried off in the afternoon. This caused a headache for Gaffer as he was down to a squad of 5. Rather than cutting of his nose despite his face Gaffer reluctantly made a call to John "Rebel" Murphy who gladly accepted the olive branch. He also made contact with Gary "The Ox" O'Herlihy who impressed in recent Sun footie games.

With Phil "Unpuctual" Smith running late the team started with John in goal, Dawse, Spratt and Dave Smith in defence, Gav in centre with Gary up front. It wasn't long before Almaty found themselves 3-0 thanks to a well-deserved hat-trick from Gary "give me the ball and I'll score" O'Herlihy. Eager to close the gap on the top scorer charts Gav "Crouchy" Jeffers bagged his hat-trick. Gary got a fourth shortly before half-time to make it 7-0 at the break.

Conscious of increasing their goal difference the message at the interval was to be ruthless! To silence his critics Phil "Yes, he can score!" Smith grabbed Almaty's 8th 5 mins into the second half. "It is a weight off my shoulders to be honest with you" commented Smith. Gary got another to make it 9... Gav got his 4th to make it 10... Dawson got two to make it 12... Majestic got their consolation goal... Phil incredibly got a second to make it 12... Gary then sealed his double hat-trick to make it 13 - lucky for some!

It was a near flawless display but lets be honest about it the opposition were pretty crap except for yellow boots. Credit must be given to John "safer than safehands?" Murphy who put in a fine display in goal and was unlucky not to keep a clean-sheet.

The only bad news of the night was that FC Miracle beat Gliebenhagg 4-1 to maintain their two point lead over Almaty. Despite this Almaty fans will be pleased to know that the team have an insurmountable goal difference over FC Miracle (33 versus 22) which could prove vital if FC Miracle were to draw a game.

Tonight's the night!

Almaty face Majestic Rovers tonight with a near full squad. They welcome back Gav “Gunning for Goals” Jeffery, Billy “Better than John” Murphy and Dave “Better than Phil” Smith!

They will have to make do without the services of Jeremy “Sweetcakes” Sweetnam as attempts to show would a great boyfriend he is by taking his beloved to Rod “Do you think I’m sexy?!” Stewart concert. Alex’s medical team have reported that his Achilles is still causing him trouble but it is suspected that this is a smokescreen as it is widely know that he is a closet Rod “Forever young” Stewart fan.



Gaffer Spratt is hoping that there will be a repeat performance of their first encounter with Majestic Rovers where Almaty scored a record breaking 10 goals. “I’m sure Gav “Tall bean” Jeffery will be gunning for some goals after missing out over the last two weeks but he will have to work hard to get the ball as I doubt that Marco “Magic-Man” Machado will be too unselfish with his passing” commented Spratt.

Almaty Athletic 3 City Ramblers 1

Ref bad... performance ok... result great!

Almaty kept up their unbeaten run so far this season by beating City Rambers 3-1 in a keenly contested game. The result means Almaty move above City Ramblers into 2nd place and cement their status as the main challengers to league leaders FC Miracle.

The squad was somewhat decimated with Gav and Billy both out with ankle injuries and Dave Smith otherwise engaged. Thankfully, despite a swollen Achilles Alex’s medical team released him to play. Shane Smith was given a late call-up to ensure Almaty had a sub. The team was as follows: Safehands, Spratt, Dawson, O’Donovan, P Smith, Machado.

Almaty started brightly and came close early on but Spratt was unable to keep his shot on target (nothing unusual there!). Almaty fans weren’t to be kept in suspense as they took the lead soon after when Marco "Don't stop me now" notched up his 15th of the season with a neat finish.

Without the lad in the Barca shirt City Ramblers failed to create many chances. Mark "Dawse" Dawson kept their chunky striker in his pocket. However, against the run of play City Ramblers equalised in controversial circumstances. A corner kick was squared to the edge of the circle the ball deflected up against the arm of one the Ramblers’ players. As the Almaty players froze like statues waiting for the referee to blow his whistle the Ramblers player took advantage and scored. Despite Phil "McEnroe" Smith’s rant the ref characteristically didn’t change his mind! Almaty players were riled. Their annoyance was exaggerated by further bizarre referring decisions. Firstly Marco was battle-rammed off the ball when clean through on goal. Secondly, Shane Smith was hacked down on the touchline. “It’s a soccer match not a GAA match” comment from Shane “Cheeky chap” Smith further turned the ref against Almaty.

It could have gone from bad to worse for Almaty when “Gaffer” Spratt nearly scored an own goal (nothing unusual there!) when he side-passed a Ramblers corner goal-bound. Sweetnam showed why he has earned the name “Safehands” by showing great agility to dive low and push the ball wide of the post. Despite playing against an 7th man Almaty pressed hard and create a number of chances but failed to regain their lead before the break.

Early on in the second half Almaty scored their second; Marco "I'm having such a good time" Machado again the finisher. City Ramblers came close to equalising when “Safehands” Sweetnam air-kicked his clearance in spectacular fashion. The Ramblers striker failed to capitalize and saved “Safehands” blushes as he skied the ball high and wide with the goal gapping. Thankfully, the nerves of the Almaty’s fans were calmed when Marco "I'm having a ball don't stop me now!" Machado sealed his hat-trick a couple of minutes later with another neat finish. This puts Marco “Shearer” Machado on 17 goals for the season… 6 ahead of Gav “Sutton” Jeffery but who’s counting?!

Tempers flared again between the two sides with Mark “Vidic” Dawson aggrieved about a loose elbow. The only other moment to note in the game was Phil “hasn’t scored in weeks” Smith’s breakdown with a couple of minutes to go. “Gaffer” Spratt substituted Marco (so that he could get the applause from the crowd for his hat-trick) and replaced him with Mark “Del-boy” Dawson to bolster the defence much to the consternation of Phil “have a fit” Smith!

Whilst Almaty’s performance was not as fluid as last week’s the squad were delighted with another important win. Next week Almaty face Majestic Rovers.

Another must win for Almaty!

After last week's draw with FC Miracle Almaty face another tough battle against City Ramblers who are in second place a point ahead of Almaty. The victor tonight will have their fate in their own hands; the loser will be reliant on other results in their quest for silverware.

Almaty will take some heart from their display last week after hearing news that FC Miralce had won the nationwide 6 aside competition last Saturday in Dublin in which 24 teams competed. They were 2-0 down in the final cameback to beat their Dublin opponents.

Unfortunately, they will have to do it without the services of Dave "elder" Smith and Billy "Whiz" Murphy. Almaty's Gaffer is also sweating on whether or not Alex "put me back in bubble wrap please!" O'Donovan's medical team will give him the all clear to play.

It is hoped that Almaty will be a lot sharper than their first game of the season and will deploy Mark "up your ass" Dawson to get up the ass of City Ramblers dangerous striker - the guy in the Barcalona jersey.

Almaty Athletic 2 FC Miracle 2

Almaty went into this one knowing defeat would spell the end of their bid to retain their league title after early draws saw them trail FC Miracle by two points going into last night's game. In a fierce and largely fair contest, both sides shared the spoils after a keenly fought 2-2 draw which leaves Almaty still trailing Miracle. Nevertheless fans will have seen enough that they can be confident that once again Almaty will be in the shake up at the business end of the season.

Almaty's pre match tactics were thrown into disarray after a double no show from Fabio and Raphael, both of whom arrived after kick off after "traffic congestion". Sweetnam started between the sticks, Dawson at sweeper, Spratt at left back, Murphy on the right and O'Donovan, back from yet another injury lay off, in the centre. "C'mon gyz" Machado once again led the line up front, not doubt eager to add to his impressive goal tally. Jeffery couldn't shake off an ankle injury picked up in training and missed this one.

Even after the opening exchanges it was clear that this one was going to be a tight affair; robust tackling, space at a premium, that sort of thing. Half chances at both ends went a begging, nevertheless Almaty, with their slick passing game, appeared to hold the edge over their rather dour opponents. You know the way Poland play whenever they get to World Cup? Sort of like "how the fock did this lot ever score enough goals to qualify for a major tournament?" Well it seems they're all like that! That said they did a largely excellent job of it, working hard to deny Almaty the room to hurt them and belting the ball long and accurately whenever they got the chance.

And then a goal! A cross from the right was deflected away by "Stop gawking at my WAG" Dawson only to fall into the path of the oncoming Tomasz who rifled a shot into the bottom corner.

Almaty, undeterred, continued to play their game and were rewarded with an equaliser when Marco hammered home following a neat free kick move involving Alex "out of cotton wool" O'Donovan.

The sides were level for only a matter of minutes as Miracle hit back in bizarre and unfortunate circumstances. A shot was parried by Safehands and Spratt, trying to clear, only managed to hit Krzystof on the side of the head with the ball before bouncing into an unguarded goal. Oh for fu...

Almaty's half time tactics were disrupted as "That's my wife" Dawson was seen take extreme exception to comments made by an unnamed teammate about the level of sexiness displayed by the only WAG in attendance. Amidst the anarchy it was deemed that Almaty ought to "keep plugging away" because "it will come" - the equalizer I mean...

And it did! What a goal! Marco, for once dislodging Dariusz from his arse, broke free wide on the right before unleashing a scorching shot into the far corner - incredible goal really - as Gaffer said after the game "I wouldn't have scored that...even in a dream..."

Almaty continued to press looking for a winner and could have had it but for some sound shot stopping from Lucasz in the Miracle goal. That said Miracle nearly stole it at the death with two decent efforts, both saved well by Safehands, which ensured that the retention of the title remains in Almaty's own hands. Special mention to two stalwarts from last year: Alex "All the threes" O'Donovan and Billy "Looks a little bit like the lad from Divine Comedy but nothing comical in his display this evening it really was very solid" Murphy...

Handbags to the ready!!

The scene has been set as we approach the mid-way point of the astro league season: second place Almaty face top of the table FC Miracle in what is sure to be an epic battle of Sky Sports proportions! Andy Gray can hardly contain himself. “Ooooh, I tell you something I haven’t been able to sleep all week thinking of this game. It is going to be GIGANTIC!”



Almaty’s preparations suffered a blow on Sunday when Gav “Injury prone” Jeffers injured his ankle in a training session. Sources close to him say that he is gutted to miss out on the match especially as he was hoping to bag a few goals to retain his status as the league’s top scorer. Apart from that Almaty have no other injury concerns. It is rumoured that long-term absentee, Alex “Big Guns” O’Donovan is going to make a surprise comeback in tonight’s game. Gaffer Spratt will have to decide whether it is wise to take Alex “Mr Glass” O’Donovan out of his protective bubble a week earlier than anticipated.



FC Miracle will be on a nigh after coming back from 2-0 to win 3-2 against City Ramblers. Their top-scorer ADORJAN ANDRASSY will hope to add to his already impressive tally of 10 goals. What is certain is that it will be game full of intrigue which sees the leagues best defense (FC Miracle) face the highest scoring team (Almaty).

Almaty Athletic 8 The Bananaskins 1

“When the ball hits your head and you sat in row z it’s…er…Phil Smitha…”

Almaty continued their undefeated run this season with a comprehensive 8-1 win over The Bananaskins and what’s more the rout was completed without the league’s top-scorer, Gav “Goal Machine” Jeffers.

There was a delayed kick-off as the refs preferred to have a chat rather than start the games. This suited The Bananaskins as they were short a player at the start. With the numerical advantage Almaty attempted to pile on the pressure but they were hindered by wayward shots which saw the precious magic yellow football banished into the tree much to the annoyance of Mark “It’s in the f*!king tree” Dawson. However, the break through came five minutes in when the ball was played in from the left hand side by Dave “Brother of Phil” Smith to his sibling Phil “Brother of Dave” Smith who with the deftest of touches slipped Marco “Give me the ball and I will score” Machado who got the ball and scored!

Almaty’s fans expected the floodgates to open however they were shocked when The Bananaskins striker skinned Mark “No. 8 Bus” Dawson and ran on to score. The Bananaskins now had a complete team but Almaty kept applying pressure. Their keeper pulled off a fine save from a rare left-foot shot by “Gaffer” Spratt. He further kept them in the game on several occasions when he denied Phil “Emile” Smith.

Marco doubled his goal tally with a great strike from the edge of the box. Almaty's third came about when Mark “Beckanbauer” Dawson played a through ball to Marco who duly rounded the keeper and laid it off to Mark who tapped it in – "greatest goal ever scored" according to Mark "where's my ball" Dawson! Gaffer Spratt then made it four just before half-time with a neat finish.

It was important that Almaty scored first in the second half to dash any hopes of a Bananaskins comeback and that they did through a spectacular goal by Marco. Almaty players were even questioning whether he had scored as it had seemed impossible that he could have scored from such an acute angle – Uncle Jimmy “Lamps” would have been proud of it! Spratt managed to get his second of the game when he got onto the end of a quick corner as the Bananaskins’ players were distracted by some dust-up in the match between City Ramblers and FC Miracle.

Phil “brothel/credit card” Smith then broke free but unfortunately his shoot went high over the bar… the fence… and all the cars in the car park. Minutes later Phil “barn door” Smith unleashed another shot which went sailing… wide and into the fence behind the goal. Marco then showed Phil “Andy Cole circa 96 vintage” Smith how it is done by tapping in another two goals to take his tally to 11 for the season becoming the league’s new top scorer; 1 ahead of Gav “Bitter” Jeffery. In the dying moments of the game “cows arse/banjo” Smith beat a couple of players… was clean through on goal but unfortunately missed again! TAXI for Smith!!!

Almaty fans were listening to the radios to hear the final result of the game between the top two sides. Despite being 2 goals down FC Miracle scored three to cement their position at the top of the table two points ahead of Almaty. The scene has been set for an almighty battle against the lads from Poland next week in the last week of the first round games!

Almaty aim to climb the table

Almaty will hope to build on last week’s performance as they face The Bananaskins in week 9 of Astro Leagues. However, they will have to do it without the services of the league’s top-scorer, Gav “goal machine” Jeffery, who was instrumental in last week’s display.


Gaffer Spratt is likely to revert back to the tried and tested 3-1-1 formation with Marco "The Magician" Machado playing up-top. Phil "The General" Smith will marshall the midfield. The defence will be comprised of Billy "O'Shea" Murphy, Dave "Rio" Smith, Mark "Vidic" Dawson and Ant "Neville" Spratt. Thankfully, Safehands Sweetnam returns to goal.

It will be important that Almaty beat The Bananaskins as it will ensure that they at least gain one place in the league table as the top two teams, City Ramblers and FC Miracle, face each other. The Bananaskins got off to a bright start to the season winning their first two games. They’ve lost their last two games but it would be unwise to judge them on those results as they were against the top two teams.

Almaty Athletic 8 2 Touch 4

Almaty masterclass!

Almaty earned their much desired three points to keep them within touching distances of the league leaders, FC Miracle, in a bizarre game.

With "Safehands" Sweetnam absent for the game Gaffer Spratt volunteered to go in goals. Alex "will we ever see you again?" O'Donovan suffered a set-back at the weekend when he managed to strain his calf whilst attempting to tie his shoelace! With the return of Marco "De Gama" Machado Almaty had a host of attacking options. It was this that forced Almaty's Gaffer to make the brave decision to revert from their much tried and tested 3-1-1 formation to a more bold 2-1-2 set-up.

The Almaty fans were left questioning the tactical change after 10 mins when for the second time in a row Almaty found themselves 3 goals to the worse with no reply. The signs were there from the start when 2 Touch hit the post with an early shot. They then took the lead due to some slack defending from a corner. Their lead was doubled minutes later when they broke on a counter-attack. Worse was to follow when "Sweeper/Keeper" Spratt raced to the edge of his box to gather a through ball but somehow managed to let it slip beneath his hands and legs only for the 2 Touch striker to tap-in! "Safehands, Safehands... all is forgiven" roared the Almaty faithful!

The Gaffer however did not panic and despite being 3-0 down the team were creating chances. Gav "If Lamps can score from impossible angles then so can I" Jeffers tried to score from an impossible angle and managed to banish the ball into the trees! The first goal came after Marco "Magician" Machado nutmegged a player just inside his own half. He then broke feat beat another player and passed it by the keeper. With a goal back Almaty's confidence grew and they began to find their rhythm. Two further goals were scored before half-time by Marco and Almaty were buzzing.

The half-time instruction was to keep pressing and the goals would come and boy did they come. 2 Touch were unable to contain Almaty's Portuguese whizkid and a killer touch saw him put Almaty into the lead for the first time in the game. A superb ball by Dr Phil to Not to be outdone by Marco Gav "Legs 11" Jeffers killed a superb ball by Dr Phil on the left hand side and slotted home to make it 5. Two more goals were scored in quick succession to kill the game of as a contest. 2 Touch were taught their own lesson of 2 touch football. Almaty's faithful began the chant of "Ole, Ole!" with every touch of the ball. Whilst Almaty's attacking force was getting the limelight it was the solid defence of Mark "The Rash" Dawson and Dave "The Rave" Smith that snuffed out any counter-attack 2 Touch tried to mount.

The icing on the cake arrived when another Gav "Top league scorer" Jeffers bagged his fourth to make it 8-4. However, 2 Touch did get a consolation goal with 10 mins to go when their striker beat "Southall" Spratt at the near post (he did enough to ensure he wouldn't have to go between the posts again next week!).


Thumbs up from Almaty's biggest fan!

Almaty play Banaskins (next week) and FC Miracle in the last two games of the first half of the season. Wins in both games will see Almaty top of the league at the mid-way point.

Almaty seek to continue undeafeted run

Sitting in third place, two points adrift of City Ramblers and FC Miracle, Almaty Athletic will need three points from tomorrow night’s game against 2 touch to keep them in the reckoning. Their opposition has failed to win a game this season but Almaty’s Gaffer will demand that the players show no complacency and eliminate the mistakes at the back which cost them dearly last week.

After last week’s shambolic first half display “Safehands” Sweetnam has been sent away for a week’s break to the South of France to sort his head. As it stands Gaffer Spratt is going to put on the No. 1 jersey. Mark “Joxer” Dawson looks set to return after his back recovered from his gardening injury. Almaty will also welcome back Marco “Columbus” Machado from his travels. Unfortunately, Alex “Dan’s no longer my hero” O’Donovan has had a further set-back as he managed to pull his calf whilst attempting to tie his shoelaces – I kid you not!

Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg 3

Almaty Athletic continued their unbeaten run so far this season but only earned a point as they drew 3-3 with Gliebenhagg FC. Despite the late kick-off time of 8pm the temperatures were still in the twenties. Mark “Mini” Dawson was a late withdrawal from the squad after he hurt his back the previous night in a "gardening incident"! Niall “Stopper” Murphy received a late call-up to fill the gap.

Almaty had a disastrous start and found themselves 3-0 down after 15 minutes. The first goal involved “Calamity” Sweetnam rushing out to clear only yer man nicked in blocked his clearance and shot. “Not so safe Safehands” managed to save the shot on the edge of the penalty area (well outside!) but the Hagg striker planted in the rebound. A long punt forward went over Spratt’s head who then failed to track the nippy striker who nipped as fast as a nipper and nipped past “Slow” Sweetnam to slotted home for the second. Spratt didn’t cover himself in glory for their third as he played a ball in field for the right and side straight to the oncoming Hagg midfielder (“The sun was blinded me!!!”). The Hagg player broker through and laid it off for his fellow player to finished neatly for their third. It could have been four but somehow the Gleibenhagg striker managed to scoop the ball over the bar from a cross when the goal was clear for him.


Jeremy "Safehands?" Sweetnam

Despite the scoreline Almaty were creating chances but were limited to long range efforts which unfortunately were all of target. Thankfully the players did not let their heads drop and the pressure finally paid off a minute before half-time. “Crouchy” Jeffers beat a player in the box and passed it across for Phil "Fabio" Smith to tap in. This goal was to prove vital to the Almaty comeback!


Phil & Dave Smith!

Almaty stepped up a gear in the second half and their applied pressure and the scorching sun began to take its toll on Gleibenhagg’s players. Mid-way through the second half Almaty got their second when a quick corner from Dave "Smith was played into Spratt’s feet at the edge of the box. He let the ball run past him and let fly with a low left foot shot. Thankfully Phil Smith was positioned on the line to neatly back-heel it into the goal. Minutes later Almaty should have equalised when Niall “Unbelievable Miss” Murphy somehow managed to hit the bar when the open goal beckoned. Almaty pulled it level thanks to “Crouchy” Jeffers who stretched out his left foot; made horrible contact but thankfully the ball rolled in!

All the hard work nearly came undone minutes later when Hagg’s danger man upfront let rip with a shot destined for top corner. However, “Safer than safe Safehands” Sweetnam redeemed himself for his earlier blunders with a glorious agile finger tip save. Almaty had the momentum though and with Niall “Stopper” Murphy intercepting every counter-attack the Hags attempted it looked as if they would find the winner but unfortunately that was not to be.

Don't forget the sunscreen!

The boys in blue face an old rival from Season 2, Gliebenhagg FC, tonight in what is sure to be a tightly contested game. Last season Almaty narrowly beat the Haggs 3 - 2 thanks to a late goal by Tiger “McTadhg” O’Connell.

However, in the reverse game the Haggs nearly scuppered Almaty’s championship dream when they beat them in a 4 - 3 Liverpool Newcastle esque thriller. Jeremy “Handbags” Sweetnam will hope to outwit his arch rival – the baldy c*nt upfront!

The Gaffer will hope for a much improved performance from last week’s game. Unfortunately he will have to do without the talents of Marco “Polo” Machado again this week as he has returned to his native Portugal to serve his one-match ban for failing to get his lazy Portuguese ass of the couch last week!

Alex "Mr Glass" O'Donovan's medical team have reported that he may return to action within two weeks.




Billy “Hatchet” Murphy will have to pass a late fitness test and is likely to start on the bench.

It was rumoured that Gaffer Spratt offered an olive branch to John “who do you think you are?!” Murphy last night but according to a Murphy’s spokesperson he told the Gaffer he “can stick that olive branch where the sun don’t shine”!! The end result is John “Phil Neville” Murphy has been transfer listed.

It remains to be seen what condition the players will be in after the long weekend and how they will cope with heat tonight but what is certain is that Almaty will need to earn three points to keep them in touching distance of FC Miracle who are the current league leaders.

Almaty Athletic 1 The Invincibles 0

It’s Tuesday night; it’s Sports Report…

Mark Pougatch: “And over to Bishopstown and Stuart Hall…”

(Adopt voice of Stuart Hall)

“Helas, helas, mes amis, toujours l'egalite, oh quelle horreur. I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows, where oxlips and the nodding cowslip grow. My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings, gaze on my work, ye mighty, and despair. Nothing besides remains. Round the decay of this colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away.

Welcome to the Theatre of Base Comedy where a match was played this evening, though you’ll be forgiven for the oversight.

And oh! there was an earthquake this evening as Joe Mercer, Dixie Dean, Herbert Chapman and even dear Georgie himself turned awkwardly in their graves at the very thought of this appalling spectacle. Was this what those great men of ’63…1863 of course…had in mind when they connived on Great Queen Street to agree the Laws, for if it was then they should surely be held accountable for this abomination. To the stocks I hear you cry. To the stocks…

And what of Marco, the wandering Man o’ War? Would he lift the gloom? Would he save football? Or is he too good for this farce? Too proud to partake in this nonsense I put it to you…

There was a first half, as envisaged by the elders, or so I’m told, for if I can remember a single detail, I’m Mastermind. It hasn’t been the same, I hear you say, since Magnus Magnusson departed stage left has it? The starting, the finishing, the sheer poetry of knowledge. Ohhhhhhh!

Into the second half, a goal…a goal for Almaty, prodded home in a most unsightly fashion by Smith, that most diligent of centre halves. And then a card, yes a card, not of the Christmas or birthday variety, this one yellow as Frenchman, as it shone brightly in the night sky. Murphy’s Law enforced. The offender walked, perhaps happy to be free of this carnage.

And a mention too for the referee. Ohhhh the folly of it. A slight of hand, a twist of fate, everything a contravention. And Dawson, that coolest of liberos, deemed a common corner boy by this hapless gentleman. Away with you I say. Your honour: “Chopper” Harris he ain’t…

My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me! A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, they say, but show me the man who has so much he's out of danger. Yes there was a match here this evening but it wasn’t association football. Final score, Almaty one, Invincibles nil.”

Mark Pougatch: “Er…thanks Stuart….”

Invincible?

After last week’s resounding win Almaty will hope to make it two wins in a row as they face bottom of the table The Invincibles. At a minimum they should at least win the prize for best dressed team as their new team kit will be unveiled (see below). With the exception of Alex “1st Dates” O’Donovan the Gaffer will have a full squad to select from. Notably, Dr. Phil will be back to galvanise the team and offer sound advise on health, life strategies, relationships and parenting. Billy “Jean” Murphy also returns to the fold but it will be a bitter-sweet return as it will mean that his brother John “Curls” Murphy is cut in a ruthless manner (“Lamps” Butler would have been proud!) despite scoring an excellent hat-trick last week.

The Gaffer will be hoping that all the alcohol from the recent trip to Spain will have made its way out of Gav “legs 11” Jeffery’s system and that Marco “long sleeve” Machado will be able to brave the Irish summer and put in another dazzling performance. The Invincibles have yet to score (having lost their first two games 6-0 and 9-0) so the pressure will be on "Safehands” Sweetnam to keep his first clean sheet of the season.



New club gear

Almaty Athletic 10 Majestic Rovers 3

STRIKE!!!

Almaty Athletic beat (not so) Majestic Rovers 10-3 in their second game of the new season. Despite the final rugby scoreline the first half was a tightly contested affair. It took Almaty 5-10 mins to find their feet but when they did they took the lead through an exquisite strike from John “I’ll prove I’m better than Billy” Murphy that Ronaldo would have been proud of. Majestic Rovers then equalised after some shoddy defending but Almaty got their second shortly after when Marco went on a jinking run and played a clever ball through to Gav “Shaken” Jeffery to finish. Their lead was not to last long as Majestic’s danger man on the right cut in on his favourite left foot and cracked an excellent shot home. Almaty had two debutants, Mark “Swine Flu” Dawson and Dave “better than Phil?” Smith, and it took them a while to find their touch and confidence but once they did Almaty began to create more chances. Almaty’s third goal came from some good work from Marco who squared the ball for John Murph tap-in for his second.


John "Inzaghi" Murphy

Majestic Rovers threatened again were unlucky when a strike hit the woodwork. Marco made it four for Almaty when he scored with his left foot. Almaty’s lead was narrowed just before half-time through some sloppy defending. The effects of trying to keep pace with seasoned drinkers, Butler and Sweetnam, over the past five days showed it’s toll on Gav “not stirred” Jeffery. He received the ball from a kick-out on the left touchline and played a square ball straight into the path of the oncoming Majestic Rovers striker – oh dear.


Half-time came and went. Ant “can he score” Spratt took some practice shoots on Sweetnam and was mocked by the ref: “that will be the only goal you’ll score all season”! Two minutes in Spratt silenced his critics when he made a trade-mark late run into the box to arrive onto the end of a cut-back from Gav “oh Christ will this game ever end?!” Jeffery. After getting the fifth goal the Almaty players began to relax and grow in confidence which resulting in some excellent free-following two touch passing. With that the floodgates opened! Gav “goal-scoring machine” Jeffery managed to bag another two goals to earn his second hat-trick of the season and remain the league’s top-scorer. Not to be out done John “definitely better than Billy” Murphy smashed home another excellent goal. Even Senor “Sweeper” Dawson managed to get on the scoreline. The icing on the cake came with the last kick of the game as Marco “twinkle toes” Machado jinked past a couple of Majestic Rovers players and left fly with an unstoppable shot. Olé Olé the crowd started chanting!!!


Almaty fans enjoying a mexican wave

Overall it was a mighty victory for Almaty. The 10 goals scored could prove vital towards the end of the season when it could quite easily boil down to goal difference.

Man of the match: Mark “Sweeper Supreme” Dawson – a solid performance at the back made the difference

Almaty seek first win

Almaty Athletic face Majestic Rovers this week in their 2nd game of the new season. To prove that they are real contenders for retaining their title it will be important that Almaty win this game. Their opposition got off to a winning start beating 2 Touch 3-1 with goals coming from Kevin Sheehy, Philip Blackwell and Seamus Kennedy.

The squad will remain relatively unchanged from last week. New signing Dave "brother of Dr Phil" Smith will hope to make his Almaty debut. John "Billy's way better than you" Murphy has been given a second chance by the Gaffer after a headless performance last week. After a recent trip to Central America club doctors have released Senor “I’m clean, I’m clean!” Dawson from quarantine.


Almaty's new gear

Still it will be unlikely that his team-mates will welcome him with a hug and kiss! The Gaffer has some concerns over the sharpness of due “Safehands” Sweetnam and “Crouchy” Jeffers after being involved in world cup qualifiers the past few days. Almaty are considering lodging a complaint for FIFA given that the players will only be returning from international duty today. The Gaffer will be hoping that Almaty’s first ever international signing, Marco “Mikado” Machado, will remember to bring along his scoring boots tonight.


PS Has anyone seen Alex??

Almaty Athletic 4 City Ramblers 4

A point gained?

For a change glorious sunshine greeted Almaty Athletic on the opening
day of the new season and a rip roaring contest, reminiscent of Arsenal
v Liverpool at its craziest, saw both sides depart with some credit
after a spectacular 4-4 draw. Almaty's squad bore little resemblance to
the title "Invincibles" of 2008. In a cull of Fergie circa summer
1995-esque proportions out went "Lamps" Butler, "SP" Espey, "Axel"
Foley, "Tiger" O'Connell and "Tricks" Galvin and in came Marco "Van
Basten or Boogers? We're not sure yet" Machado, Niall "Stopper" Murphy,
Shane "I wanna play in midfield" Smith and John "not quite as solid as
Billy" Murphy. Other new signings, including the Smith brothers,
"Raphael" and "Fabio", were also absent as was Senor Dawson who remains
in quarantine after his recent trip "home" to Mexico.


Senor Dawson (3rd from the right)

In fact, only "Safehands" Sweetnam in goal, "Gaffer" Spratt in central defense, Gav
"Crouchy" Jeffery in a new deep role, remain from last year's all
conquering squad. Would this be enough to rediscover that elusive Almaty
magic?

Almaty started the brighter and created some early chances but in
typical fashion Almaty conceded first after only 5 minutes. The scores
were level shortly after when "Crouchy" finished well after a mazy run
by new signing Marco "Van Basten" Machado. The defensive solidity which
was the cornerstone of the 2008 title success was sadly absent though
and it was no surprise when some poor defending again saw City Ramblers
take the lead soon after. Almaty bounced back and equalised again
through a neatly taken goal by Marco "definitely Van Basten" Machado.
Despite creating a host of great chances Almaty were unable to press
home their advantage with Marco "Boogers" Machado and "Crouchy"
particularly wasteful. Indeed, Almaty actually found themselves 3-2 down
just before half-time as the ever dangerous "Tim" (the lad in the Barca
jersey) found the net again.

Almaty largely failed to find their rhythm in the second half and were
4-2 down after a long punt forward was flicked on by the Ramblers
striker. Antony "shouldn't have eaten dinner before hand" Spratt was
caught napping and "Tim", who had proved a thorn in Almaty's side all
night, raced away before volleying home from close range.



Almaty's new Portuguese whizkid




Things would have gotten far worse for Almaty if not for a string of
fine saves by "Safehands", particularly when he tipped a rasping shot
onto the post. Despite a disjointed second half performance, Almaty
continued to make chances but too often a lack of composure in front of
goal would be their undoing and when they did find the target they just
couldn't find a way past a useful Ramblers keeper.

Indeed the most notable action of a pretty poor period in the second
half came when the normally benign "Crouchy" took particular exception
to a high elbow from the touchy Ramblers centre half. That said,
"Crouchy" was hardly blameless himself, having launched himself
seemingly in slow motion at the Ramblers' defenders feet. Thankfully the
ref indicated, in time honoured tradition, that they were "both at it"
and the game resumed amidst some consternation and confusion.

As time ticked by and with things getting more and more desperate it was
left to an Almaty stalwart to rescue a point. "Crouchy" had been
wasteful all night but all credit to the lad, the mark of a true striker
is a willingness to continue to create chances because it will come
right eventually etc. and so forth. And so it proved as he bagged two
goals in the final 7 minutes to level things, one in particular a fine
strike from distance into the top left and corner of the net to complete
a bizarre hat trick, which could have been 4 or 5.

It will be some time yet before Almaty can consider this a point gained
or dropped but Ramblers were a decent outfit, and Barcelona Tim in
particular will punish bad defending in other games this season. Roll
on next week.

Has anyone seen Alex?

A new season… a new era!

Next Tuesday marks the start of Almaty Athletic’s 3rd season in the astro leagues. After narrowly missing out on the championship in their inaugural season they were crowned champions last season. Gaffer Spratt has been ruthless in his quest to retain the championship this year – out with the old and in with the new has been his motto! The following players’ contracts were not renewed:
- Jim “ate all the pies” Butler
- James “I've already got 3 winners hoodies already” Galvin
- Keith “the grass needs cutting” SP
- Tadhg “gone to Oz with the other convicts” O’Connell
- Morgan “Axel” Foley

The following players were lucky enough to secure new contracts:
- Jeremy “safer than safe hands” Sweetnam
- Gav “Old Gil” Jeffery
- Alex “I’ll play until I’m 40” O’Donovan
- Billy “The Kid” Murphy
- Phil “now full-time squad member” Smith

Disappointingly enough, despite putting pen to paper last summer, Fat Spratt was unwilling to commit to the team but he has promised to make a guest appearance some night. However, Gaffer Spratt was delighted to welcome Marco “Ronaldo” Machado to the squad. Apparently he has signed a pay-per-nutmeg contact which could prove to be quite costly! Dave “Brother of Phil” Smith has also signed up for some Almaty glory! Gaffer also attempted a double signing from the now dissolved Citco team of last year. Mark “Smiley” Dawson was overjoyed to get the call however Nigel “I miss Dawson terribly” Wilkins decided to stick playing with his friend Milko.

Almaty will play all their games on Tuesday nights (see fixture list to the right) in the usual pitches at CIT. With the exception of Gliebenhagg (who almost denied Almaty the championship last year), all the teams are new. It will be interesting to see if “2 touch” live up to their name; whether “Bananaskins” turn out to be, well, a bananaskin and (last but not least!) “The Invincibles” are truly invincible (ED: Are you Anne Robinson in disguise?!).

A letter from the Gaffer

Dear 2008 Almaty Squad,

You will be pleased to know after months of wrangling I finally put pen to paper and signed a deal with the Almaty Board to retain my services for another season. Consequently, my mind has turned to organising a squad for next year’s campaign. As always, I’m looking to recruit a squad of well-balanced players. All the players must have true Almaty characteristics: a strong work ethic; reliability; good looks and of course a few tricks in the bag in order to please the fans!

So far we have lost the services of two stalwarts of the original Almaty panel. Jim “Alright Mate” Butler has gone across the waters for his big move… time will tell whether he will return with his tail between his legs begging the Gaffer for place in the squad. Morgan “Who are you Axel?!” Foley also got his wish for transfer. He is moving down under to play for Carlton in the hope that it will boost his ambitions to play international football with Australia (apparently all his relatives were convicts!).

However, all hope is not lost! I’m hoping to sign some world class players before the transfer deadline. In particular we are anxious that “Fat” Spratt will lose the 12lbs required to satisfy the clause in his contract that he is below 15 stone at the start of pre-season.

I know a few of you may be considering retirement and would like to bow out on a high after winning the title last year. However, I would encourage you to reconsider and to pull on those sexy yellow socks for another year.

Once a squad has been assembled the Board will assess its potential and make a decision on whether to launch an assault on the “premier” division.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Gaffer