Gaffer in shock retirement announcement!

On the eve of Almaty’s final game of the season, Sky News broke the news today that Gaffer Spratt has announced his retirement from the top post as Almaty Gaffer. After a three year spell which has brought one championship title and two 2nd place finishes the Gaffer said he’s taken the team as far as he can. When asked about the rumours that he had been approached by another club he strongly denied these allegations claiming Almaty was the only team for him.

The Gaffer is aiming to go out on a winning streak and hopes that his player put in a world class display of “pass and move” style they have been renowned for when they face the newly crowned champions FC Miracle tomorrow night. “I’d just love it if we beat… just love it” said Spratt “especially given that they haven’t been defeated yet this season”.

Almaty will welcome back Billy “The Kid” Murphy to the fold after a couple of week’s absence. Unfortunately they will have to do without the services of Marco “Soaking up the sun” Machado and Phil “pre-season” Smith. It is still unsure whether Alex “Libel” O’Donovan will make an appearance. It is rumoured that he was not happy about been shouted at by "plantation landowners" last week. It is tough being the only Catholic on the team!

Gaffer in shock retirement announcement!

On the eve of Almaty’s final game of the season, Sky News broke the news today that Gaffer Spratt has announced his retirement from the top post as Almaty Gaffer. After a three year spell which has brought one championship title and two 2nd place finishes the Gaffer said he’s taken the team as far as he can. When asked about the rumours that he had been approached by another club he strongly denied these allegations claiming Almaty was the only team for him.

The Gaffer is aiming to go out on a winning streak and hopes that his player put in a world class display of “pass and move” style they have been renowned for when they face the newly crowned champions FC Miracle tomorrow night. “I’d just love it if we beat… just love it” said Spratt “especially given that they haven’t been defeated yet this season”.

Almaty will welcome back Billy “The Kid” Murphy to the fold after a couple of week’s absence. Unfortunately they will have to do without the services of Marco “Soaking up the sun” Machado and Phil “pre-season” Smith. It is still unsure whether Alex “Libel” O’Donovan will make an appearance. It is rumoured that he was not happy about been shouted at by "plantation landowners" last week. It is tough being the only Catholic on the team!

Make or break!

It is the penultimate round of games in astro leagues tonight. Almaty will be praying that 3rd place City Ramblers will cause an upset by getting a result against the league leaders FC Miracle. If FC Miracle were to drop points tonight and assuming Almaty win then the title will be decided next week when the two teams face each other. Otherwise, FC Miracle will be crowned champions tonight.

Almaty’s opposition tonight is The Bananaskins. They comfortably beat them 8-1 in their first meeting however they will be without the services of star players Marco Machado (who’s fecked off home to Portugal as he’s had enough of the miserable Irish weather!) and Phil Smith (pre-season friendly). As a result Niall “Stopper” Murphy has been given a recall after an impressive display at Sun (technically Mon) footie this week.

Can Almaty bounce back?

After last week’s shocking defeat (Almaty’s first of the season) the players are aiming to get back on track as they face 2 Touch tonight. The squad have weighed in behind Gaffer Spratt who was devastated after last week’s organisational fiasco. “Mistakes happen - he is still the best accountant this team has” commented Sweetnam. After Madrid could not match Almaty’s valuation for their Portugesse whizkid, Machado came out in support of the beleaguered Gaffer. “Come on guys, I never wanted to leave you!”

Phil “never gives up” Smith returns to the squad after a week’s holidays in the Canaries. He was put through a gruelling 1 ½ hour Sun footie session last night and will hopefully have sweated out all of the excess alcohol from his system. The only absentee is Billy “D4” Murphy who has been loaned out to a team from Dublin. “OMG I couldn’t believe it when the Gaffer said he was sending me on loan to Foxtrot AFC – they are soooo the best team in the suburbs.”

Whilst the title is now FC Miracle’s to lose Almaty can only hope that City Ramblers will get a result against their arch rivals next week to set-up a grand finale when Almaty face FC Miracle on the last day of the season.

Bring on the Haggs!

Almaty face Gliebenhagg tonight in what is another crucial game in their bid for silverware this season. Two points adrift of FC Miracle Almaty have to continue their winning streak to ensure that come the last day of the season they will know that a win over the league leaders will secure them the title.

It will not be an easy task tonight. Almaty only managed a 3-3 draw in the first round game against the Haggs. Their cause was not helped by conceding 3 goals in the first 10 mins. Definitely out for tonight is Phil “Bruiser” Smith as he takes a week’s holiday. Billy “Technical Drawing” Murphy is also missing as he continues his work experience up in Dublin. “Safer than safe” Sweetnam is also likely to be an absentee as he is also on a day trip to the big smoke.

However, Almaty will still have a strong squad with Ant, Phil, Mark, Alex, Gav and Marco.

Almaty set to test The Invincibles

Almaty face The Invincibles, who are currently rooted to the bottom of the table, at 8pm tonight. Despite their position in the league The Invincibles have a strong defence and outside the top three teams they have conceded the least amount of goals. Barry “I’ll see you in court!” Sheehan (who has scared many a striker with his large presence in goal) takes a lot of the credit for their good record along with their 1-5-0-0 formation. Almaty are all too familiar with their negative tactics which has resulted in such a stat having narrowly beaten them 1-0 in their first round game. However, with Gav “I’ll catch you yet Marco” Jeffers and Marco “no chance Gav” Machado both gunning for goals it will be hard for The Invincibles to contain them. Even Phil “I can score!” Smith will look to contribute.

Apart from Billy “off to the Pale” Murphy Almaty have a full squad. They welcome the return of Jeremy “Safehands” Sweetnam who proved he can take a ball by catching one of the footballs Rod Stewart kicked into the crowd last week. Unfortunately, John “I can’t believe I’m cut again!” Murphy has not been given a recall. The Sunday World is publishing a full-page interview by John “So Bitter” Murphy on this outrageous decision.

Tonight's the night!

Almaty face Majestic Rovers tonight with a near full squad. They welcome back Gav “Gunning for Goals” Jeffery, Billy “Better than John” Murphy and Dave “Better than Phil” Smith!

They will have to make do without the services of Jeremy “Sweetcakes” Sweetnam as attempts to show would a great boyfriend he is by taking his beloved to Rod “Do you think I’m sexy?!” Stewart concert. Alex’s medical team have reported that his Achilles is still causing him trouble but it is suspected that this is a smokescreen as it is widely know that he is a closet Rod “Forever young” Stewart fan.



Gaffer Spratt is hoping that there will be a repeat performance of their first encounter with Majestic Rovers where Almaty scored a record breaking 10 goals. “I’m sure Gav “Tall bean” Jeffery will be gunning for some goals after missing out over the last two weeks but he will have to work hard to get the ball as I doubt that Marco “Magic-Man” Machado will be too unselfish with his passing” commented Spratt.

Another must win for Almaty!

After last week's draw with FC Miracle Almaty face another tough battle against City Ramblers who are in second place a point ahead of Almaty. The victor tonight will have their fate in their own hands; the loser will be reliant on other results in their quest for silverware.

Almaty will take some heart from their display last week after hearing news that FC Miralce had won the nationwide 6 aside competition last Saturday in Dublin in which 24 teams competed. They were 2-0 down in the final cameback to beat their Dublin opponents.

Unfortunately, they will have to do it without the services of Dave "elder" Smith and Billy "Whiz" Murphy. Almaty's Gaffer is also sweating on whether or not Alex "put me back in bubble wrap please!" O'Donovan's medical team will give him the all clear to play.

It is hoped that Almaty will be a lot sharper than their first game of the season and will deploy Mark "up your ass" Dawson to get up the ass of City Ramblers dangerous striker - the guy in the Barcalona jersey.

Handbags to the ready!!

The scene has been set as we approach the mid-way point of the astro league season: second place Almaty face top of the table FC Miracle in what is sure to be an epic battle of Sky Sports proportions! Andy Gray can hardly contain himself. “Ooooh, I tell you something I haven’t been able to sleep all week thinking of this game. It is going to be GIGANTIC!”



Almaty’s preparations suffered a blow on Sunday when Gav “Injury prone” Jeffers injured his ankle in a training session. Sources close to him say that he is gutted to miss out on the match especially as he was hoping to bag a few goals to retain his status as the league’s top scorer. Apart from that Almaty have no other injury concerns. It is rumoured that long-term absentee, Alex “Big Guns” O’Donovan is going to make a surprise comeback in tonight’s game. Gaffer Spratt will have to decide whether it is wise to take Alex “Mr Glass” O’Donovan out of his protective bubble a week earlier than anticipated.



FC Miracle will be on a nigh after coming back from 2-0 to win 3-2 against City Ramblers. Their top-scorer ADORJAN ANDRASSY will hope to add to his already impressive tally of 10 goals. What is certain is that it will be game full of intrigue which sees the leagues best defense (FC Miracle) face the highest scoring team (Almaty).

Almaty aim to climb the table

Almaty will hope to build on last week’s performance as they face The Bananaskins in week 9 of Astro Leagues. However, they will have to do it without the services of the league’s top-scorer, Gav “goal machine” Jeffery, who was instrumental in last week’s display.


Gaffer Spratt is likely to revert back to the tried and tested 3-1-1 formation with Marco "The Magician" Machado playing up-top. Phil "The General" Smith will marshall the midfield. The defence will be comprised of Billy "O'Shea" Murphy, Dave "Rio" Smith, Mark "Vidic" Dawson and Ant "Neville" Spratt. Thankfully, Safehands Sweetnam returns to goal.

It will be important that Almaty beat The Bananaskins as it will ensure that they at least gain one place in the league table as the top two teams, City Ramblers and FC Miracle, face each other. The Bananaskins got off to a bright start to the season winning their first two games. They’ve lost their last two games but it would be unwise to judge them on those results as they were against the top two teams.

Almaty seek to continue undeafeted run

Sitting in third place, two points adrift of City Ramblers and FC Miracle, Almaty Athletic will need three points from tomorrow night’s game against 2 touch to keep them in the reckoning. Their opposition has failed to win a game this season but Almaty’s Gaffer will demand that the players show no complacency and eliminate the mistakes at the back which cost them dearly last week.

After last week’s shambolic first half display “Safehands” Sweetnam has been sent away for a week’s break to the South of France to sort his head. As it stands Gaffer Spratt is going to put on the No. 1 jersey. Mark “Joxer” Dawson looks set to return after his back recovered from his gardening injury. Almaty will also welcome back Marco “Columbus” Machado from his travels. Unfortunately, Alex “Dan’s no longer my hero” O’Donovan has had a further set-back as he managed to pull his calf whilst attempting to tie his shoelaces – I kid you not!

Don't forget the sunscreen!

The boys in blue face an old rival from Season 2, Gliebenhagg FC, tonight in what is sure to be a tightly contested game. Last season Almaty narrowly beat the Haggs 3 - 2 thanks to a late goal by Tiger “McTadhg” O’Connell.

However, in the reverse game the Haggs nearly scuppered Almaty’s championship dream when they beat them in a 4 - 3 Liverpool Newcastle esque thriller. Jeremy “Handbags” Sweetnam will hope to outwit his arch rival – the baldy c*nt upfront!

The Gaffer will hope for a much improved performance from last week’s game. Unfortunately he will have to do without the talents of Marco “Polo” Machado again this week as he has returned to his native Portugal to serve his one-match ban for failing to get his lazy Portuguese ass of the couch last week!

Alex "Mr Glass" O'Donovan's medical team have reported that he may return to action within two weeks.




Billy “Hatchet” Murphy will have to pass a late fitness test and is likely to start on the bench.

It was rumoured that Gaffer Spratt offered an olive branch to John “who do you think you are?!” Murphy last night but according to a Murphy’s spokesperson he told the Gaffer he “can stick that olive branch where the sun don’t shine”!! The end result is John “Phil Neville” Murphy has been transfer listed.

It remains to be seen what condition the players will be in after the long weekend and how they will cope with heat tonight but what is certain is that Almaty will need to earn three points to keep them in touching distance of FC Miracle who are the current league leaders.

Invincible?

After last week’s resounding win Almaty will hope to make it two wins in a row as they face bottom of the table The Invincibles. At a minimum they should at least win the prize for best dressed team as their new team kit will be unveiled (see below). With the exception of Alex “1st Dates” O’Donovan the Gaffer will have a full squad to select from. Notably, Dr. Phil will be back to galvanise the team and offer sound advise on health, life strategies, relationships and parenting. Billy “Jean” Murphy also returns to the fold but it will be a bitter-sweet return as it will mean that his brother John “Curls” Murphy is cut in a ruthless manner (“Lamps” Butler would have been proud!) despite scoring an excellent hat-trick last week.

The Gaffer will be hoping that all the alcohol from the recent trip to Spain will have made its way out of Gav “legs 11” Jeffery’s system and that Marco “long sleeve” Machado will be able to brave the Irish summer and put in another dazzling performance. The Invincibles have yet to score (having lost their first two games 6-0 and 9-0) so the pressure will be on "Safehands” Sweetnam to keep his first clean sheet of the season.



New club gear

Ready, steady.... blast-off!

Tadhg and Gaffer try to contain their excitement for tonight's finale!











After 13 gruelling weeks the Almaty squad is making last minute preparations for their final game of the season tonight.

Whilst Almaty have hope of lifting the silverware, contrary to last season, their fate is in the lap of the Citco Gods. Despite beating Slievenamon twice this season, Almaty lie in second place due to a weaker goal scoring tally. Thus, assuming Citco roll-over tonight (as has been typical of their season so far) and allow Slievenamon to take all three points a win for Almaty will not be enough.

And will such a win be so easilt got? Almaty's previous encounter with tonight's opposition, Whitfords, saw them lose 4-0 – a shattering blow to their confidence from which they never fully recovered. Similar to last week, the Almaty players will have tired legs from earlier 11-a-side training sessions. (The Almaty board is considering a proposal to revert to the Wed night league format next year to avoid the end-of-season burnout.) The only notable absentee is Jim "Lamps" Butler who's transfer forms were finalised this week (ED: "Good riddance…"). It is uncertain also whether Morgan "Axel" Foley will make an appearance – his whereabouts are unknown. Dr. Phil has offered his services though.

The memories of last year's defeat on the last day of the season are still fresh with a lot of the Almaty players and will spur them on for tonight's game.

Title or no title the Almaty end of season par-tay will take place this Friday in Redz nightclub at 8.30pm - WAGS and fans welcome!

Can Almaty overcome weekend excesses?

In the penultimate game of the season, Almaty Athletic face stiff opposition in the form of Gliebenhagg FC, who are buzzing after a 7-2 win over Whitfords last week. Almaty narrowly beat the Haggs in their previous encounter 3-2 but a heavy weekend of booze, transvestites and general misbehaviour by a large portion of the squad as cast doubts on a victory tonight.

Gaffer has taken decisive, yet somewhat cruel, action by informing Jim "Legend" Butler that after a dismal Sun footie display he will not be starting in what would prove to be his final game for Almaty. He will also be without the services of Axel Foley as he has not yet returned from holidays. There are also question marks as to whether Alex "Duvet Day" O'Donovan is in the right frame of mind for tonight's epic battle. The rock that is SP is also rated as doubtful after waking up with chest pains this morning (ED: "SP you will have to lay-off the whips and chains!"). However, Almaty fans will be comforted by the fact that Dr "Who are ya?" Phil is set to step in.

Almaty require four points from their last two games but Gaffer will not be satisfied with nothing less than two wins.

Pints!

Almaty Athletic will look to build on last week's hard fought victory over (previous) league leaders Slievenamon by beating Pints tomorrow night. With three remaining fixtures this season, Almaty cannot afford to drop points in any of the games in their quest for silverware.

The only notable absentee from last week is player manager Gaffer. In his quest to add more letters to the end of his name Gaffer is undertaking some more examinations (FIFA have insisted that all astro league managers must now obtain the FIFA Coaching Licence by 2009). However if Jer "Haagen Dazs" Sweethands is detained at work, Gaffer is on standby to reprise his goalkeeping heroics of the game against whoever it was we played when he went in goal. Thus it seems likely that Gaffer is set to prolong his agonising run of 0 goals this season.

However, in a welcome boost, the one and only Tricks Galvin will be returning to the fold. In a pre-match friendly on Sunday James G put on a dazzling display - here's what one of the opposition had to say about him: "I must say that the guy James was without question one of the best players I have ever played against in my life. He was unbelievable. It looked as though he was hardly even trying to be fair. It was brilliant to play against him and his skill level was insane. His boyish curls were lovely and he was so dreamy."

Little is know about the opposition as they were unable to field a team for the first fixture. Tadhg "The Rock" O'Connell will need to be at his best again this week as Pints are able to score a few goals as shown in their 9-1 drubbing over Citco FC. Yeah, yeah, it was only Citco...

Do Almaty have balls?

After last week’s disastrous defeat to the bottom of the league side, Citco FC, Almaty Athletic will aim to make amends tomorrow night in a must win clash against league leaders, Slievenamon. .

Almaty Gaffer will gladly welcome back Keith “Cakes” SP who has returned from a love sojourn in the Motherland (i.e. Deutschland). Alex “Ballack not Robbie Savage!” O’Donovan has also promised the Gaffer a much improved performance from last week’s display. Thankfully, he is available for selection after the Astro Leagues Disciplinary Committee decided not to impose a match ban after review video evidence of his somewhat hefty challenge in last week’s game which resulted in a sin-binning. After a week on the treatment table Jim “bo” Butler’s has recovered from his neck pain. Dr. Phil, unfortunately, was unable to offer his services to Almaty’s plight

Surperstious Almaty fans have blamed last week's defeat on the fact that Gaffer Spratt banished Alex's "magic ball" 20 foot up a tree five mins into the game. To counter this Almaty board have invested in two brand spanking new Nike Tiempo Classic balls!

Almaty narrowly beat Slievenamon 3-2 in their previous encounter. So long as they don’t concede an early goal (as is now tradition!) they will be in for a shout tomorrow night.

Khosh keldiniz

After last week's determined win, Almaty Athletic are looking to add to their already impressive scoring record when they face the whipping boys of the league, Citco FC, tomorrow night.

However, they will have to do so without Keith "Rock in defense" SP and Jimmy "Hill" Galvin. SP is unable to attend as he is competing on national duty in the 9th World Grass Cutting Championship in Germany. Go SP! James G's excuse is a training course ("Successful Lego-man Strategies") in the Pale.

It's not all bad news though as Almaty Gaffer welcomes back an uninjured Tadhg "Tag" O'Connell (who managed to retain his World UFC crown in Vegas) and, em, himself! Tiger McTadhg has promised to unveil his newly found defense tactic to scare the Citco strikers by posing the question: "does someone want a finger up the bum"?! (Don't ask.)

Miracously, Alex "made of steel" O'Donovan has declared himself fit despite the almighty kicking received last week and a dose of the flu. The drugs must finally be working!


As for Citco, Mark "Mini" Dawson is trying to persuade his players to "play the ball quick and on the ground for fec sake!". They will miss the tailsmanic Nigel "Nige" O'Carroll as he has gone in search of Lady-Boys in Thailand (Jim... Jer... any tips?!)

Codgers preview

Short and sweet preview this week lads, since I was away when the rest of the clowns managed to fuck up and draw 2-2 with the Codgers in the second game...

Out:
Galvin (holidays still)
Tadhg (prize-fighting in Vegas)
Gaffer (losing the company payroll betting on the above)

In:
Safehands, back from his romantic anniversary getaway
Lamps
Billy
SP
Morgan
Alec
Crouchy
Dr Phil

Redemption

Angry Gaffer after last week's performance

After last week's heavy defeat Almaty Athletic are aiming to start the second half of the season on a positive note. The players' bruised egos will be bolstered by the fact that they knocked six past tomorrow night's opposition, Fuzzball, in the opening game of the season.

Contrary to last week Gaffer will not have the luxury of a full squad to choose from - some may say that it is a blessing in disguise. James "mazy runs" G has signed up for the Ronaldo summer soccer skills training course in Santorini. Whilst Jeremy "Sugar-bun" Sweetnam has gone "romancing" in Italy. It remains to be seen who will keep sticks in his absence. It has been confirmed that Alex "Can't stop a shot" O'Donovan is definitely ruled out for consideration after his regular abysmal performances in goals at Sun footie.

At the half-way mark, Almaty Athletic lie in second place. They are level on points with Whitfords but their goal differences is three less than the league leaders.

The question is will they be able to stop their "conceding an early goal" curse?