New Carlsberg ad..

Why wasn't Gaffer in this??

Johnny T claims bribery by transvestite hooker

Police are investigating claims by Almaty Athletic striker Johnny T that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Buenos Aires motel.

Police inspector Carlos Augusto Nogueira said that Johnny T, who is getting treatment for his tourettes syndrome from an Argentinan specialist, contracted the services of three transvestites - believing them to be women - and took them to a motel. However, Johnny T is then said to have tried to get out of the situation after one of the men went in search of drugs.

Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US 600), but Johnny T has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US 30,000) and threatened to post a video on the internet if he was not paid.

The police also said that the transvestites have claimed that Johnny T threatened to hurt them.

Nogueira said that Johnny T had not committed any crimes by contracting the men, but he is looking into other claims. 'He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,' Nogueira said. 'There is no crime at all.'

He added: 'He (Johnny T) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this.

'Johnny T told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.'

When asked to comment on the incident Johnny T said "F*ck Sh"T BALLSW!NKER Johnny B@llocks"

End-of-season bash!

Calling on all Almaty Comrades - end of season bash is taking place tomorrow night.

Meeting in Jury's at 8pm. Bring your sisters! Jaksamesh!

And to help get in the mood, here's a video of former Almaty player Johnny "T" Enright's first ever Jagerbomb in the Classic!

Caption competition!

For a chance to win an exclusive shirt from the extensive range of Almaty Athletic leisurewear (as modelled by Lamps - see right) please enter your captions in the comment field...



Closing date for entries is this Friday... terms and conditions apply... blah, blah, blah...

Unfortunately there is no prize for guessing who the shirtless idiot is... but if you need a clue take a look at another similar picture on the right hand side of the blog!

Player Profile - Espey

Name
Keith Espey

Nickname(s)
“Espey”, “SP”, “sp”, “Sp”, “sP”, “esspee”

Age
28… Pushing on…

Best Almaty Memory
The time me, Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer went on the lash in the Majestyk - oh right, you said Almaty, not Leeds. I played for Leeds you know…

Worst Almaty Memory
Sending Lamps a text meant for a bird

Motto in Life
Is strippers a motto?

Who is your sporting hero?
Maradona, Bestie, Merse…

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Not being committed enough…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
Eddie Gray

What three words best describe you?
Sex, drugs, androckandroll…

Happiest when…
Hammered in the Classic…

Worst fear(s)?
Not being able to play due to 'meningitis' like Sharpey…


Pet hate(s)?
London's Metropolitan Police… funny story…

Ambitions in life?
All of these were accomplished in Rio… happy times!!

Random Comic Genius

Player Profile - James

Name
James Annabel Anthony Galvin

Nickname(s)
“Tricks”, “Baby-faced Assassin”, “James G”, “JAGS”, “Jinks”, “Jagmeister”

Age
16 but the fake ID says "McLovin"

Favourite Food
Humble pie… never had it but anyone who ever doubts the Jagmeister gets served a double helping…

Best Almaty Memory
Getting a triple megs on the same player, followed by a double-drag back and a Maradona turn…

Worst Almaty Memory
Finishing behind Spratty in last season's top goal-scorers chart – a low-point in my soccer career…
[ED: surely the whole losing the ball, subsequently giving away a free-kick from which the opposition scored and getting sent-off in our final game of the season thing ranks up there??]

Motto in Life
"It's not the goal that matters, it's the celebration"

Who is your sporting hero?
Myself, of course. It was Ronaldo before he got the end product.

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Eh, never passing to them and the 7th stepover…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
Alex “Ballack” O’Donovan (in his hey-day he was a legend – pity he’s old and slow now)

What three words best describe you?
I am God
Free kick Ref!
Love the hair

What makes you laugh?
Tempting slow fat defenders to tackle me and then crumpling in a heap clutching my ankle and rolling around several times. They fall for it everytime… especially Spratty... he's some dumbass!

Worst fear(s)?
Losing my pace – I’d be lost without it.
Any of the lads meeting my sister.

Pet hates?
Having to pass to better-placed teammates when the double drag-back finish is on…

Player Profile - Jeremy

[Ed: This profile would have written itself until Safehands went and got himself a ClareBear...
Then, everything changed...]



Name
Jeremy Charles Sweetnam

Nickname(s)
"Slut", "Safehands Sweetnam", "Jumbo Jer", "Clare's b*tch"

Age
28½

Favourite Food
Half time jelly babies; quadruple vodka and red bull ("I swear there's a lot of nutrition in it…")

Best Almaty Memory
Scoring a goal from goal!

Worst Almaty Memory
Getting lobbed into a 2 foot goal by my own player from 10 yards out… pretty humiliating…


Motto in Life
"Your place or mine?"
"Better to regret something you have done than something you haven't…"

Who is your sporting hero?
George Best obviously, how many Miss Worlds was it?
Neville Southall – don't ask…

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
Trying to score with their WAGS…
Eating all of the half time jelly babies…

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
What career?!

What three words best describe you?
Gaggin for it…
Love u Clare!

What makes you laugh?
Jim's first touch…

Possibly the greatest own goal ever...

Safehands and Tadhg take note... this is how you score an own goal!