Almaty Athletic 1 The Invincibles 0

It’s Tuesday night; it’s Sports Report…

Mark Pougatch: “And over to Bishopstown and Stuart Hall…”

(Adopt voice of Stuart Hall)

“Helas, helas, mes amis, toujours l'egalite, oh quelle horreur. I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows, where oxlips and the nodding cowslip grow. My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings, gaze on my work, ye mighty, and despair. Nothing besides remains. Round the decay of this colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away.

Welcome to the Theatre of Base Comedy where a match was played this evening, though you’ll be forgiven for the oversight.

And oh! there was an earthquake this evening as Joe Mercer, Dixie Dean, Herbert Chapman and even dear Georgie himself turned awkwardly in their graves at the very thought of this appalling spectacle. Was this what those great men of ’63…1863 of course…had in mind when they connived on Great Queen Street to agree the Laws, for if it was then they should surely be held accountable for this abomination. To the stocks I hear you cry. To the stocks…

And what of Marco, the wandering Man o’ War? Would he lift the gloom? Would he save football? Or is he too good for this farce? Too proud to partake in this nonsense I put it to you…

There was a first half, as envisaged by the elders, or so I’m told, for if I can remember a single detail, I’m Mastermind. It hasn’t been the same, I hear you say, since Magnus Magnusson departed stage left has it? The starting, the finishing, the sheer poetry of knowledge. Ohhhhhhh!

Into the second half, a goal…a goal for Almaty, prodded home in a most unsightly fashion by Smith, that most diligent of centre halves. And then a card, yes a card, not of the Christmas or birthday variety, this one yellow as Frenchman, as it shone brightly in the night sky. Murphy’s Law enforced. The offender walked, perhaps happy to be free of this carnage.

And a mention too for the referee. Ohhhh the folly of it. A slight of hand, a twist of fate, everything a contravention. And Dawson, that coolest of liberos, deemed a common corner boy by this hapless gentleman. Away with you I say. Your honour: “Chopper” Harris he ain’t…

My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me! A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, they say, but show me the man who has so much he's out of danger. Yes there was a match here this evening but it wasn’t association football. Final score, Almaty one, Invincibles nil.”

Mark Pougatch: “Er…thanks Stuart….”

Invincible?

After last week’s resounding win Almaty will hope to make it two wins in a row as they face bottom of the table The Invincibles. At a minimum they should at least win the prize for best dressed team as their new team kit will be unveiled (see below). With the exception of Alex “1st Dates” O’Donovan the Gaffer will have a full squad to select from. Notably, Dr. Phil will be back to galvanise the team and offer sound advise on health, life strategies, relationships and parenting. Billy “Jean” Murphy also returns to the fold but it will be a bitter-sweet return as it will mean that his brother John “Curls” Murphy is cut in a ruthless manner (“Lamps” Butler would have been proud!) despite scoring an excellent hat-trick last week.

The Gaffer will be hoping that all the alcohol from the recent trip to Spain will have made its way out of Gav “legs 11” Jeffery’s system and that Marco “long sleeve” Machado will be able to brave the Irish summer and put in another dazzling performance. The Invincibles have yet to score (having lost their first two games 6-0 and 9-0) so the pressure will be on "Safehands” Sweetnam to keep his first clean sheet of the season.



New club gear

Almaty Athletic 10 Majestic Rovers 3

STRIKE!!!

Almaty Athletic beat (not so) Majestic Rovers 10-3 in their second game of the new season. Despite the final rugby scoreline the first half was a tightly contested affair. It took Almaty 5-10 mins to find their feet but when they did they took the lead through an exquisite strike from John “I’ll prove I’m better than Billy” Murphy that Ronaldo would have been proud of. Majestic Rovers then equalised after some shoddy defending but Almaty got their second shortly after when Marco went on a jinking run and played a clever ball through to Gav “Shaken” Jeffery to finish. Their lead was not to last long as Majestic’s danger man on the right cut in on his favourite left foot and cracked an excellent shot home. Almaty had two debutants, Mark “Swine Flu” Dawson and Dave “better than Phil?” Smith, and it took them a while to find their touch and confidence but once they did Almaty began to create more chances. Almaty’s third goal came from some good work from Marco who squared the ball for John Murph tap-in for his second.


John "Inzaghi" Murphy

Majestic Rovers threatened again were unlucky when a strike hit the woodwork. Marco made it four for Almaty when he scored with his left foot. Almaty’s lead was narrowed just before half-time through some sloppy defending. The effects of trying to keep pace with seasoned drinkers, Butler and Sweetnam, over the past five days showed it’s toll on Gav “not stirred” Jeffery. He received the ball from a kick-out on the left touchline and played a square ball straight into the path of the oncoming Majestic Rovers striker – oh dear.


Half-time came and went. Ant “can he score” Spratt took some practice shoots on Sweetnam and was mocked by the ref: “that will be the only goal you’ll score all season”! Two minutes in Spratt silenced his critics when he made a trade-mark late run into the box to arrive onto the end of a cut-back from Gav “oh Christ will this game ever end?!” Jeffery. After getting the fifth goal the Almaty players began to relax and grow in confidence which resulting in some excellent free-following two touch passing. With that the floodgates opened! Gav “goal-scoring machine” Jeffery managed to bag another two goals to earn his second hat-trick of the season and remain the league’s top-scorer. Not to be out done John “definitely better than Billy” Murphy smashed home another excellent goal. Even Senor “Sweeper” Dawson managed to get on the scoreline. The icing on the cake came with the last kick of the game as Marco “twinkle toes” Machado jinked past a couple of Majestic Rovers players and left fly with an unstoppable shot. Olé Olé the crowd started chanting!!!


Almaty fans enjoying a mexican wave

Overall it was a mighty victory for Almaty. The 10 goals scored could prove vital towards the end of the season when it could quite easily boil down to goal difference.

Man of the match: Mark “Sweeper Supreme” Dawson – a solid performance at the back made the difference

Almaty seek first win

Almaty Athletic face Majestic Rovers this week in their 2nd game of the new season. To prove that they are real contenders for retaining their title it will be important that Almaty win this game. Their opposition got off to a winning start beating 2 Touch 3-1 with goals coming from Kevin Sheehy, Philip Blackwell and Seamus Kennedy.

The squad will remain relatively unchanged from last week. New signing Dave "brother of Dr Phil" Smith will hope to make his Almaty debut. John "Billy's way better than you" Murphy has been given a second chance by the Gaffer after a headless performance last week. After a recent trip to Central America club doctors have released Senor “I’m clean, I’m clean!” Dawson from quarantine.


Almaty's new gear

Still it will be unlikely that his team-mates will welcome him with a hug and kiss! The Gaffer has some concerns over the sharpness of due “Safehands” Sweetnam and “Crouchy” Jeffers after being involved in world cup qualifiers the past few days. Almaty are considering lodging a complaint for FIFA given that the players will only be returning from international duty today. The Gaffer will be hoping that Almaty’s first ever international signing, Marco “Mikado” Machado, will remember to bring along his scoring boots tonight.


PS Has anyone seen Alex??

Almaty Athletic 4 City Ramblers 4

A point gained?

For a change glorious sunshine greeted Almaty Athletic on the opening
day of the new season and a rip roaring contest, reminiscent of Arsenal
v Liverpool at its craziest, saw both sides depart with some credit
after a spectacular 4-4 draw. Almaty's squad bore little resemblance to
the title "Invincibles" of 2008. In a cull of Fergie circa summer
1995-esque proportions out went "Lamps" Butler, "SP" Espey, "Axel"
Foley, "Tiger" O'Connell and "Tricks" Galvin and in came Marco "Van
Basten or Boogers? We're not sure yet" Machado, Niall "Stopper" Murphy,
Shane "I wanna play in midfield" Smith and John "not quite as solid as
Billy" Murphy. Other new signings, including the Smith brothers,
"Raphael" and "Fabio", were also absent as was Senor Dawson who remains
in quarantine after his recent trip "home" to Mexico.


Senor Dawson (3rd from the right)

In fact, only "Safehands" Sweetnam in goal, "Gaffer" Spratt in central defense, Gav
"Crouchy" Jeffery in a new deep role, remain from last year's all
conquering squad. Would this be enough to rediscover that elusive Almaty
magic?

Almaty started the brighter and created some early chances but in
typical fashion Almaty conceded first after only 5 minutes. The scores
were level shortly after when "Crouchy" finished well after a mazy run
by new signing Marco "Van Basten" Machado. The defensive solidity which
was the cornerstone of the 2008 title success was sadly absent though
and it was no surprise when some poor defending again saw City Ramblers
take the lead soon after. Almaty bounced back and equalised again
through a neatly taken goal by Marco "definitely Van Basten" Machado.
Despite creating a host of great chances Almaty were unable to press
home their advantage with Marco "Boogers" Machado and "Crouchy"
particularly wasteful. Indeed, Almaty actually found themselves 3-2 down
just before half-time as the ever dangerous "Tim" (the lad in the Barca
jersey) found the net again.

Almaty largely failed to find their rhythm in the second half and were
4-2 down after a long punt forward was flicked on by the Ramblers
striker. Antony "shouldn't have eaten dinner before hand" Spratt was
caught napping and "Tim", who had proved a thorn in Almaty's side all
night, raced away before volleying home from close range.



Almaty's new Portuguese whizkid




Things would have gotten far worse for Almaty if not for a string of
fine saves by "Safehands", particularly when he tipped a rasping shot
onto the post. Despite a disjointed second half performance, Almaty
continued to make chances but too often a lack of composure in front of
goal would be their undoing and when they did find the target they just
couldn't find a way past a useful Ramblers keeper.

Indeed the most notable action of a pretty poor period in the second
half came when the normally benign "Crouchy" took particular exception
to a high elbow from the touchy Ramblers centre half. That said,
"Crouchy" was hardly blameless himself, having launched himself
seemingly in slow motion at the Ramblers' defenders feet. Thankfully the
ref indicated, in time honoured tradition, that they were "both at it"
and the game resumed amidst some consternation and confusion.

As time ticked by and with things getting more and more desperate it was
left to an Almaty stalwart to rescue a point. "Crouchy" had been
wasteful all night but all credit to the lad, the mark of a true striker
is a willingness to continue to create chances because it will come
right eventually etc. and so forth. And so it proved as he bagged two
goals in the final 7 minutes to level things, one in particular a fine
strike from distance into the top left and corner of the net to complete
a bizarre hat trick, which could have been 4 or 5.

It will be some time yet before Almaty can consider this a point gained
or dropped but Ramblers were a decent outfit, and Barcelona Tim in
particular will punish bad defending in other games this season. Roll
on next week.

Has anyone seen Alex?

A new season… a new era!

Next Tuesday marks the start of Almaty Athletic’s 3rd season in the astro leagues. After narrowly missing out on the championship in their inaugural season they were crowned champions last season. Gaffer Spratt has been ruthless in his quest to retain the championship this year – out with the old and in with the new has been his motto! The following players’ contracts were not renewed:
- Jim “ate all the pies” Butler
- James “I've already got 3 winners hoodies already” Galvin
- Keith “the grass needs cutting” SP
- Tadhg “gone to Oz with the other convicts” O’Connell
- Morgan “Axel” Foley

The following players were lucky enough to secure new contracts:
- Jeremy “safer than safe hands” Sweetnam
- Gav “Old Gil” Jeffery
- Alex “I’ll play until I’m 40” O’Donovan
- Billy “The Kid” Murphy
- Phil “now full-time squad member” Smith

Disappointingly enough, despite putting pen to paper last summer, Fat Spratt was unwilling to commit to the team but he has promised to make a guest appearance some night. However, Gaffer Spratt was delighted to welcome Marco “Ronaldo” Machado to the squad. Apparently he has signed a pay-per-nutmeg contact which could prove to be quite costly! Dave “Brother of Phil” Smith has also signed up for some Almaty glory! Gaffer also attempted a double signing from the now dissolved Citco team of last year. Mark “Smiley” Dawson was overjoyed to get the call however Nigel “I miss Dawson terribly” Wilkins decided to stick playing with his friend Milko.

Almaty will play all their games on Tuesday nights (see fixture list to the right) in the usual pitches at CIT. With the exception of Gliebenhagg (who almost denied Almaty the championship last year), all the teams are new. It will be interesting to see if “2 touch” live up to their name; whether “Bananaskins” turn out to be, well, a bananaskin and (last but not least!) “The Invincibles” are truly invincible (ED: Are you Anne Robinson in disguise?!).