Almaty Athletic 2 FC Miracle 1

Almaty Facists 2 Communists 1

“Marxist subversives silenced for another season”

As Karl Marx once said in a letter to his father: “History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy”

On Tuesday night Almaty Athletic ennobled themselves by working together for the common good, not for the common good of peasants sharing the new found wealth of the State, so that all men are equal but for the good of her Majesty and the extreme right wing facist views of her loyal subject Antony Paul Joseph Goebbels Spratt and his new world order of puritan capitalism. And yes they were happy and made people happy with a hard fought 2-1 victory over the new communist enemy in our midst, a sour reminder of the Celtic Tiger and all its misgivings.

Absentees on the night include Marco-Medallion (sunning himself in Portugal) and Jeremy ”sweet-talking” Sweetman ("How many times do I have to tell you imbeciles - it's SweetNAM! Christ") who was up in Dublin for the day searching for a 6* hotel as 5* hotels are for peasants and poor people.

Goebbells volunteered to go on goal, being one of Hiltler's closest associates and most devout followers, eventually succeeding him as Chancellor of Germany (an office he held for only one day), he was well used to emergency situations that required emergency action. (He once sent a delegation to seek a ceasefire with the Russians). Goebbels wasn’t happy with his match day attire, as he had to wear super sticky builder’s gloves provided by Dave “shaggy dog” Smith.



Sir Phil Walter Raleigh started on the bench due to his late arrival, he had once again been imprisoned in the Tower, this time for allegedly being involved in the main plot against King James 1st who was not favourably disposed toward him. Luckily for Almaty he was released just in time for kick off, at 18.30hrs, and was ordered to silence the threat of communism.

Almaty started brightly and created a few chances. The communists though came close to scoring when they whacked a hot shot straight at Goebbels face from about 5 yards out. His glasses were smashed, but he vowed to carry on, determined to silence the rising red tide.

Almaty weathered the storm. The pre match talk had been about work ethic, the German way, closing down the enemy and winning each physical battle. Concentration was also outlined as paramount, a lack of which had been a major contributor to two successive defeats in as many weeks.

An Almaty attack, from a quick throw and some neat passing, led to the opening goal. Stefano Jefferies, pounced on a through ball and guillotined the ball into the corner of the net like the head of a disobedient servant; 1-0 to the Fascists.

A point noted by all on the night was the change in performance from Billy ’bong’ Murphy. Rumour has it, young Billy spent time over the summer in the Rutland and has been clean for 3 whole months.

Before the Rutland (Billy’s lunch)

After the Rutland (Billy’s underwear)


Billy was up and down the pitch all night with renewed energy (all legal), and let rip with a half volley mid way through the first half which forced a good save from
Their goalkeeper “The Iron Curtain”.

Mark “mexicano” Dawson was like a rash again all over the the red striker, on some occasions a bit too close, some say it bordered on penetration, but Dawson is a practising metro-sexual as seen in picture below with his lovely mail order Mexican bride.

The game continued with lots of slick one/two touch passing movements. Half time came, with a team talk that took stock of the great work effort, concentration and togetherness that was shown in the first half. Goebbels stressed that the team needed to keep it up with strong defending, and efficient use of the ball needed to press on and win the game. ‘The German Way’ he stressed was the only way. Five minutes into 2nd half the red tide finally breached the German defence and equalised . A sniper left unmarked on right hand side of the circle slotted it home through Dawson's legs, who had work permits and illegal immigrants clearly on his mind. Still socialist snipers are clinically trained and this was all too apparent.

Not to worry, Almaty regrouped and kept playing the same way, crisp passing, keeping it on the floor, work ethic, concentration, and much more intense pressure made it difficult for the enemy.

A bad tackle on Alex ‘I love the potato even though it’s a peasants' food’ O'Donovan when he was brutally halved from behind by a foreign intruder, looked like it was curtains for him on the night. Known as Mr. Glass, he explained his injury crisis to Goebbels Spratt one night over a glass of fine wine: “I have something called Osteogenesis Imperfecta. It's a genetic disorder. I don't make a particular protein very well and it makes my bones very low in density... very easy to break Your bones don't break, mine do. That's clear. Your cells react to bacteria and viruses differently than mine. You don't get sick, I do. That's also clear. But for some reason, you and I react the exact same way to water. We swallow it too fast, we choke. We get some in our lungs, we drown. However unreal it may seem, we are connected, you and I. We're on the same curve, just on opposite ends”. Miraculously he picked himself off the ground, dusted himself down and played on!

The winner from Almaty came with 14 minutes left on the clock. Almaty on the defense stole possession, Alex putting the feet of flames into a rear 4th gear (5th is no longer accessible) made ground up the wing. Sir Walter Smith screamed for a pass in the middle which was duly obliged. Smith, controlled with first touch then placed the ball neatly into the bottom left corner, sliding it in so to say.

The final whistle came after a determined rear guard with jeers from the communist onlookers and chanting “Champion-ays, Champion-ays”. Earlier a hardened socialist got sent-off for stamping on Gavin ‘Stefano’ Jeffery.

One memorable moment was when a frisky female fan ran on to the pitch and tried to cause a riot, Goebbels was quoted as saying “it certainly turned me on”.

Man of the match went to Billy “Doobie” Murphy who was awarded a commemorative reminder of the occasion:


I leave you with a quote from our departing gaffer, Hier-Josef Spratt:

“People are tired of liberty. They have had a surfeit of it. Liberty is no longer a chaste and austere virgin… Today’s youth are moved by other slogans… Order, Hierarchy, Discipline.”