Week 14: Almaty Athletic 1 Viscount 1

Almaty suffer final day torment
After an opening day hammering few could have dreamt that Almaty would take the season to the final day but as the roller coaster season progressed it became increasingly apparent that this was exactly what would happen.
The injuries and absences which blighted Almaty’s season continued last night as both “Ballack” O’Donovan and “Tiger” O’Connell missed out on the showdown. Nevertheless, Jim “Harry Kewell” Butler recovered from his heel injury just in time to take his place in the starting line up, meaning Almaty had a beefy squad of 9 to choose from.
Needing to win by two clear goals (Yes Gav, 2; not 3; you see if we win by 2 then we improve our goal difference by 2 theirs is reduced by 2 – as a Liverpool veteran of ’89 I’m surprised at you!), Almaty started tentatively. From an early stage it became apparent that Viscount were intent on slowing the game to their pace. Delayed free kicks “accidentally” taken from the wrong place, minor injury disruptions and slow at kick outs all contributed to their attempts to disrupt Almaty’s dangerous fluidity.
The increasingly excitable referee, who would later play a central role in proceedings, dished out several vocal warnings on foot of some cynical Viscount defending, but stopped short of issuing the ultimate punishment.
As the first half progressed the game developed into an even contest, with the contrasting styles becoming increasingly apparent. Viscount, eager to protect their advantage, focused on a dour long ball war of attrition. Almaty, by far the most skilful and inventive team in the league, remained undeterred and persevered with their neat passing game. Half chances were spurned at both ends as both keepers made comfortable saves.
Despite a number of further chances for both teams, nothing separated them at half time. Almaty again started the second half brightly and created another chance. Viscount’s big keeper was having an increasing prominent role as time and time again he thwarted Almaty’s prolific forwards. Then, from nothing, Viscount borke free. A shot from the edge of the area fizzed over and “Tricks” Galvin, in a last ditch attempt to prevent the shot, connected with the dangerous Viscount striker. Using all of his experience, the silver haired prick lay prostrate on the turf, clutching whichever part of his anatomy was most convenient. The referee, who up until that point had refrained from brandishing yellow, had no hesitation this time. “Tricks’” sending off was even harsher considering he had been the primary recipient of Viscount’s roughhouse tactics. Alamty’s punishment was severe. From the ensuing free kick Viscount took advantage of Almaty’s lack of numbers to pounce at the far post.
You’d think that Viscount’s comfortable position would have allowed them to play a more attractive brand of football, however they persevered with their increasingly ugly brand hoofball from back to front. Despite their tactics they were a talented side and were always dangerous, even as Almaty, undeterred by the size of the mountain that they now faced, continued to press hard. Viscount’s giant oaf of a keeper was having a stormer.
With 10 minutes remaining “Tricks”, back on the pitch after his brief suspension, broke away to fire a low into the net from some distance. 1-1! Almaty, buoyed by finally having beaten the keeper, pressed hard again. But, as time ticked away it became clear that it just wasn’t going to be their day as the Viscount keeper continued to use his considerable frame to prevent Almaty from even sniffing the two goal advantage that would have given them the title.
As the final whistle blew and Viscount celebrated, thoughts wandered back to that opening day crushing and the meek surrender of a 1-0 lead later in the season; not to mention the Jens Lehmann-esque bloopers and the Emile Hesky-esque finishing in other games which combined to cost Almaty that extra goal which might have made all the difference in the end.
Football, bloody hell…

Week 13: Almaty Athletic 8 Fans of Canta 0

AA turned on the style in their penultimate game of the season as they thumped Fans of Canta by eight goals to no reply. It was no coincidence that Gav "Crouchy" Jeffery returned to the fold after two weeks absence with a dodgy hamstring. However, AA were missing Alex "Old man" O'Donovan due to other commitments.
AA started the game brightly and dominated first half possession (80% according to Sky Sports!). Their patience was reward when John "T" Enright opened the scoring; finishing off a superb move which involved 20 consecutive passes (olè!). AA then made it 2-0 shortly afterwards with another from John "T". Just before half-time John "Yes you guessed it again" Enright secured his hat-trick.
There was much the same in the second half... John "I'm brilliant" Enright bagged another brace; "Crouch" got a brace and Spratt also nicked one. The highlight of the game was "Clean Sheets" Sweetnam who pulled off a number of excellent saves to deny Fans of Canta any consolation goal. AA fans were heard chanting "There's only one Safe-Hands... etc. etc.
All in all it was one of AA's best performances of the season. The back trio of Moggy, SP and Billy marshaled the defence, whilst James G provided the legs and tricks all over the pitch. However, there was disappointment for AA fans as news filtered through that league leaders had notched up a 10-0 victory. So, not only to AA have to win their final game against Viscount but they now have to win by a margin of two goals to lift the ultimate prize!

Week 12: AA 6 That’s Entertainment FC 5

Jeckell & Hyde
As the season has progressed so has the length of Almaty’s injury list. Missing this week was top-scorer “Crouch” Jeffers and Morgan “Dead-Leg” Foley. Jim “Limps” Butler and Alex “I’m not 15 stone” O’Donovan were also doubtful but were listed in the squad as emergency substitutes. However, “Have a go” O’Connell was back from his week’s sojourn to Eastern Europe.

Almaty fans were in a state of shock as they saw their team concede two within the first 10 mins with no reply. The first came direct from a free kick – apparently “Safehands” Sweetnam got an A1 in his Leaving Cert for Honours Maths but this has been cast in doubt! The second came as “Big-man” O’Connell passed the ball direct to the That’s Entertainment striker who finished neatly. (O’Connell was subsequently checked for sun-stroke at half-time.)

“Gaffer” Spratt then introduced himself and managed to bag two goals to brings things level after he was played through twice by “Unselfish” Enright. They created a number of other chances but were denied by some great saves from That’s Entertainment’s keeper.

However, Almaty were to shoot themselves in the foot again (and literally for Jim “Limps” Butler as he had to go off injured) as Spratt took a throw-in; threw it to “Safehands” Sweetnam who then pondered before generously passing the ball to the That’s Entertainment striker. (Sweetnam was subsequently given a random breath-test at half-time.)

That’s Entertainment nearly scored again as a shot smashed off the cross-bar. Almaty leveled again with a neat goal from James Galvin with “Unselfish” Enright again the provider.

Things became heated at half-time with harsh words from the Gaffer thankfully they had their required effect as Almaty came out storming in the second half. Alex “Ballack” O’Donovan broke through and finished well to give Almaty the lead for the first time in the game. Espey then came up trumps with an absolute rasper from the right touchline.

Almaty then made things difficult for themselves when That’s Entertainment’s keeper speculatively hit a long-ball up the field; the ball then got a headed flick-on and sailed up (at least to a height of 7ft) over “Seaman” Sweetnam and then dropped into the goal (2ft high goal). Almaty regained their two goal cushion with another classy goal from Espey.

UPDATE:
Here's a crude representation of the above events...


With a minute left on the clock, a rush of blood to the head saw Spratt give away a penalty for handball. Idiot! The penalty was converted. Almaty kicked-off and the ball was played back to Spratt who managed to lose possession but Sweetnam saved well to prevent a catastrophe.

In a post match interview, Johnny “T” was asked was he disappointed not to add to his tally of goals and to explain how he missed an open goal from one yard out: “F*ck, I’m sh*t an b*llox unselfish p*nis player”.

League leaders, Viscount, earned three points as they were awarded a walkover. Almaty could be regretting leaking five goals as their goal difference was narrowed. Two games to go!