Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg FC 4

Almaty Crumble as Gaffer Loses the Abacus and Plot

Almaty’s bid to retain their title suffered irreparable damage last night as they conceded a late goal to go down 4-3 to Gliebenhagg FC. In a calamitous night for Gaffer Spratt THREE of his side declared themselves unavailable for the crunch tussle. PHIL SMITH stormed out of training last week and was last seen partying well into the earlier hours in THE CANARIES. In another worrying development, SAFEHANDS SWEETNAM failed to report for duty either, claiming he was “in Dublin” “on business”. Reports suggesting he refused to hand over his “I can’t believe they’re this sticky” Umbro gloves have yet to be denied by insiders. And in the most worrying development MARCO MACHEDO was seen in a classy Cork restaurant (ed: is that an oxymoron?) dining on oysters and scallops as his team floundered.

Gaffer Spratt, an accountant in his spare time, must have lost his abacus prior to the match as only 5 Almaty regulars took the field in this most important of clashes. As Gaffer counted the numbers on his fingers, youth teamers, Nigel “I’ll only play if Lamps is away” and Paul “little bro” Dawson were late call ups to the side.


Wanted: Lost abacus - handsome reward

Despite the travails of the Gaffer, things started well for Almaty. Nevertheless they quickly found themselves 2-0 down to a Gliebenhagg side which scented blood.

Almaty stepped up a gear and their pressure was rewarded just before half-time when Dave "can't stop me scoring now" Smith bagged a goal. At half-time the talk was all about finding the passing rhythm again and composure which had served them well in past weeks. The players though had lost all respect for the Gaffer at this stage and it went in one ear and out the other.

Ten minutes into the second half Almaty conceded a third. The players became quiet and the heads dropped. Their hopes were raised however when Gav "long legs" Jeffery poked home. With five to go Almaty got the equaliser through Mark "Big small bro" Dawson.

The Almaty fans urged their team on to seek the winner knowing that three points were vital. However, the nerves got the better of the players. Alex "still going strong at 33" O'Donovan was fouled on the left side in the Almaty half. Rather than taking the free himself he wandered up the field. To make amends for his earlier mistakes Gaffer "PANIC STATIONS" Spratt rushed out from goal to take the free. The ball was squared to Dave Smith in the right full position who played a return ball to Spratt. Rather than going for the sensible punt up the field Spratt played a ball into Dawse who was just recovering from tying his laces and was susequently dispossed. With Spratt stranded the Hagg player slipped the ball into the back of the net. Disaster!!

And so Almaty must now rely favours from others if they are to retain their title. Angry supporters shouted “you don’t know what you’re doing!” at beleaguered Spratt as he left the field in despair. The players and board this morning handed him the dreaded VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, which is sure increase uncertainty around his future. Speaking in the Portuguese press, Machado has also given his backing to the manger: “I fully sport zee gaffer, hee is berry berry important too mee…wha? Senor Pelegrini is on zee telefon… for me? I must, how you say, issue zee transfer request…”