Week 3: Almaty Athletic 5 Citco 2

There was something about this particular Tuesday night that made the adrenaline pump and the element of anticipation hit force 5 on the scale. Was it because Ireland were playing the Ba-Ba’s in a meaningless friendly or was it because the new series of Grey’s Anatomy is only a week away? None of the above, I’m afraid, it could only be week 3 of Astro-soccer-league, the greatest league in the universe where a person’s true character is scrutinised and weakness is not tolerated.

This week opponents were Citco Group, details were sketchy about the opponents but The Sprattman (himself a renowned financial guru of the Eddie Hobbs/Eddie O’Sullivan lovechild vain with a seasoning of German efficient good looks) commented that “The Citco Group is a worldwide group of independent financial service providers, comprised of international banks, trust and fund services companies. For over sixty years, Citco Group companies have served the growing needs of a diverse client base from its network of international offices”.

Anyway, Almaty’s form in the run up to this encounter had been mixed in the opening 2 games, with a very poor showing last week against the codgers, a bottom of the barrel rotten apple outfit who were made to look like Granny Smiths finest selection. Almaty had a strong squad to choose from:

1. Ger ‘posh spice’ Sweetman
2. Billy ‘no-mates’ Murphy
3. Tadhg ‘Extreme Makeover’ O’Connell
4. James ‘Billy Troy’ Galvin
5. Antony ‘Von-Trap’ Spratt
6. Alex ‘token catholic’ O’ Donovan
7. Phil ‘Smyth with a Y?’ Smyth
8. Gavin ‘Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino’ Jeffries

Citco form coming into this crunch game had been abysmal with 2 straight defeats. On paper the squad looked solid with hard men Peter ‘20 Carrolls’ Carroll, Nigel ‘Mr. Citco’ Wilkins and Mark ‘Turn coat’ Dawson in the squad. Before the game, the referee questioned the Citco goalkeeping arrangements as it looked as if they had 2 goal keepers on the pitch, this issue was clarified when it turned out the goalkeeper was just fairly big boned.

And so to the match, Almaty set about their task in a disciplined manner trying to assert their carpet football quick passing style on the game. However, good possession didn’t convert into any goals and they conceded the first goal after about 10 minutes. A Citco long ball was won in the air by the dangerous aerial supreme threat of ‘20 Carrolls’ who flicked it past ‘Posh Spice’ in the Almaty goal. Von-Traps calculator trajectory maths ability didn’t do him much good as he was easily beaten in the air. This was the only blemish in another wise fine game for the young protestant of German extract.

The deficit was cancelled out fairly quickly. Yes, the equaliser came after quick thinking from the impressive self proclaimed ‘Dr. Phil’. His short pass from a quick free kick to Alex on the edge of the area was ruthlessly hit with a right-foot volley penetrating the back of the Citco net with Big Boy Brosnan scampering back like a bulldog chasing skirt.

Citco were not to be undermined, their hard tackling, disciplined direct style once again paid off, with them retaking the lead. An Almaty throw to the only catholic on the team, Alex, who cheaply given away when he claimed he heard a whistle. The busy Fergus from Citco pounced on the error and the ball was worked into the Almaty net giving Citco a 2nd goal and more importantly the lead!!!

A James G special (double nut-meg followed by a triple drag-back) after some good inter-passing put the Anglicans back on level pegging.

So it was, our immigrant referee blew for half time against his will, saying that in his country only women take a break at a half time, real men keep playing.

Strong but level headed words were said at half time by the Almaty management, identifying the problem areas and reiterating the ‘no mistakes’/‘hard work’/’total football’ attitude that would win them the game.

And so it resumed, the second half, a half where Almaty would show their true metal, the tempo was raised and the passing became crisper

However, Citco came back strongly with a fair share of the possession and numerous corners but never looked liked opening up a dogged Almaty rearguard. A now all too seldom run by the ageing Alex (some say he has no age just a number) from the middle led to the lead goal. After a gap opened in the Citco defence Alex laid off to the self hyped ‘Professor Phil’ to finish with a low drive to make it 3-2 to the distinguished gentlemen.

The 4th goal followed quickly; a goalkeeping mistake by Big Boy Brosnan in the Citco goal left him stranded miles from goal allowing great vision by the modest ‘Mr. Phil’ to score on left touch line just inside the opponents half.

Before the referee had time to blow ‘God Save the Queen’ on his whistle a 5th goal from the Almaty Chargers finished the game as a contest. Again a neat finish by the soon to be ‘Sir Phil’ again left the mammoth CITCO keeper flapping like Dustin’s big brother.

The game was played in a good spirit overall with some friends and comrades and members of the secret protestant stonecutters club playing on opposing sides. The early pressure from Citco with their direct style was in contrast to the gravity carpet style of Almaty. An elbow by Citco keeper Mini-van Brosnan on ‘candyfloss’ Galvin in the last minute of the game was out of quilter with the good natured way the game was played. Later the troubled keeper was quoted as ‘wanting to break the nose of that guy with the perm’. Breaking someone’s nose is not a pleasant experience and was condoned by one and all as bad sportsmanship of the highest order. Having said that Almaty are willing to forgive and are open to giving the big man a group hug and share the love. A spokesperson from the Blue machine was quoted as ‘wishing him well and hopefully solving his off the pitch problems sooner rather than later’.

An F.A.I. incident room has been set up to investigate with a Star Trek Genesis report forthcoming on the matter.

Quotes from the gaffer’s post match conference:
• “I hope the Injury to Billy isn’t too serious; he is an intricate element of the Almaty football factory”

• “A much improved team performance but must be carried out on a weekly basis, like all great teams”

Man-of the match:
The one and only Dr. Phil – who’s quick thinking and vision ensured a great win for Almaty over their local rivals.

Almaty Athletic aim to bounce back

After last week's disappointing draw Almaty players are hoping to redeem themselves with a strong performance against local rivals Citco.

Almaty however will be without key players once again this week. Jim "Lamps" Butler is still unavailable as his stay in Fat-camp has been extended for a further week after it was reported that he gained 7 pounds in just 7 days primarily due to a 72 hour post-Champions League final binge.

"Axel" Foley is still sidelined. Despite reports in the Mirror that he is saving himself for an international cup final (June Bank holiday w/e - Turners cross) he has been quoted as saying "I am fully committed to Almaty and can't wait to be back in action".

There are also doubts over Gav "Andy Cole" Jeffery (in therapy after last week's miss) and James G (still bruised from last week's encounter).

Citco, who have lost their opening two games of the season, will be strengthened by the return of "Please don't cut me" Nige. He gave this comment in an interview with Esquire earlier on in the week: "I can't wait to get on the pitch and do battle. Alex "Glass" O'Donovan is going to shatter after my first tackle. It's just a pity that Butler boy isn't playing".

"Mini" Mark Dawson will also be looking to put one over the Almaty boys in what is sure to be an intriguing game.

Man Yoo crowned champions of Europe!

Next year Almaty Athletic!!

Week 2: Almaty Athletic 2 The Codgers 2

Almaty players and fans were left frustrated last night as hopes of a 100% record were dashed as they drew 2-2 with the The Codgers. The team was without “Axel” Foley (injured), “Lamps” (fat camp in Greece) and SP (who reportedly couldn’t miss out on the season finale of Desperate Old Dolls). However, Phil Smith was drafted in to bolster the squad after an impressive guest appearance last week. The new Almaty home kit was also unveiled last night - pic to follow.

The team started reasonably well but failed to find their rhythm. Disaster struck on the 13th min when Tiger O’Connell took a quick goal-kick to “Carsley” O’Donovan who squandered position on the edge of the area. The Old Codger had an open goal to pass into as “Safehands” was out of position as he had left his goal to take the goal kick. Strike 1! With their backs against the wall Almaty began to up the tempo of the game. A few minutes later after a mix-up in the Old Codgers defense Almaty’s hat-trick hero from last week, Gav, was left with egg on his face as he somehow managed to put the ball wide when faced with an open goal. Strike 2! The increased pressure paid off when Almaty equalised close to half-time when “Crouchy” made amends for his previous effort.

Almaty came out for the second half with a hunger for the win. They got their just rewards after 15 mins of sustained pressure when Phil Smith knocked a nice lay-back to make it 2-1. However, all their hard work was undone in the last minute when the Old Codgers won a free-kick. The long range effort somehow managed to make its way through the mass of bodies. With his view obstructed "Safehands" saw it late and was only able to get a hand to the ball but unfortunately it feel straight into the oncoming Old Codger’s striker. Strike 3!

There were remonstrations with the ref after the game after the bruising given to “Ronaldo” Galvin. The Ref was quoted as saying “Hey James my man, I gave you a free-kick for every foul man”.

The Gaffer will have to raise the players’ spirits before the big game next week against local rivals, Citco (who lost again last night by the way!). Citco player, Dawson, was quoted as saying last night that “I’d just love it if we beat them…. I’d just love it!”

Squad:
Jer
Billy
Ant
Tadhg
James
Phil
Alex
Gav


Scorers:
Gav
Phil

Man of the match:
Billy (for that last ditch tackle in the 2nd half that saved a certain goal - dependable as always)

Almaty look to out-Codge the Codgers

After last week’s comprehensive win, Almaty are looking to make it two wins on the trot as they face “The Codgers” tomorrow night. Little is known about the opposition as their score last week was not recorded.

Once again Almaty’s squad is somewhat depleted. Long-term injury “Axel” Foley is estimated to be out for another three weeks. SP is apparently attending a therapist as he is suffering from work related stress. “Rev” O’Donovan is still nursing a blow to his knee last week he has said he “might be fit”. However, the Gaffer (who is reported not to be on speaking terms with the troubled player) is reported to be fuming with O’Donovan after the tabloids spotted him leaving a Galway nightclub after throwing some serious moves on the dancefloor. To add to his worries “Lamps” Butler is ruled out for the next two weeks. The Gaffer has sent him away to Greece for an intensive two week “get fit” course after his somewhat stodgy performance last week.

On the plus side Phil “Guest” Smith loan period has been extended for another week. Despite being red-carded at the weekend in a foreign 11-a-side game, astro leagues ruling committee have declared Tadhg “Hatchet” O’Connell eligible to play. The Almaty players will be looking to impress tomorrow night as they face Citco in a local derby next week.

UPDATE: Forensic examination of the astro.ie site suggests that the Codgers won their match 6-2 last week...

O'Donovan hits back at Gaffer as Almaty crisis rumbles on

The sensational row between Almaty Athletic's gaffer Ant Spratt and troubled midfielder Alex O'Donovan intensified this afternoon, with O'Donovan sensationally accusing Spratt of embezzling funds from Corinthians and Almaty.

O'Donovan displayed evidence of this financial irregularity, claiming that Spratt had channeled the funds into a licensed premised in north Cork. Experts are analysing the picture to evaluate if it is an elaborate forgery.

The row has already thrown Almaty's season into disarry, overshadowing the superb start when Almaty trounced Fuzzball FC 6-1 last Tuesday. This latest development is a another body-blow to the legions of fans are already reeling from the loss of Lamps, who will miss the next two weeks while away on international duty in Greece.


The controversial photo...

O’Donovan’s cover blown!

Almaty Athletic’s manager is likely to impose the maximum fine of two week’s wages on Alex “True Blue” O’Donovan as it emerged late last night that the Gaffer had spotted O’Donovan on Sky News running riot in the streets of Manchester after the Gers UEFA cup defeat.

O’Donovan had cried off for Almaty’s season opener with a “knee injury” minutes before kick-off. An insider for Ryanair has revealed that O’Donovan was in fact just boarding the 8.55 flight to Manchester.

Week 1: Almaty Athletic 6 Fuzzball FC 1

Almaty Athletic Squad v Fuzzball FC, sporting our rarely-seen Third Kit...
(minus Gaffer who took the pic)

After last year’s disastrous start to the season, Almaty were desperate to hit the ground running in their opening game of the new season against Fuzzball FC. However, the nerves got the better of the players in the first 10 mins as they failed to find their rhythm. Fuzzball created a few half-chances but were unable to find the back of the net. James “Seth” G, who had started on the bench, was brought on and provided the spark to ignite the team. Gav bagged a quick-fire brace, and this was followed up with a rare right-footed goal by “Seth”.

The only other notably incident of the first half was bizarre encounter between a Fuzzball player and the ref in which the ref squared up to the player and invited him “to have a go”!

Half Time: 3-0



With a three goal cushion it was decided to give “Safehands” a chance to prove his worth outfield. He silenced his critics on the 45th min when he slotted home to make it 4-0 after a great reverse pass, again with the right foot, from “Seth”.

Not to be outdone by his great rival, Jim “Lamps” Butler made it five when he buried a shot from a tight angle, after great work by Gav to draw the defence away and then find the pass.

Fuzzball’s pacy striker troubled the Almaty defence and was unlucky not to open their scoring when his shot rebounded back off the stanchion. However, Almaty striker “Crouchy” laid down his marker for the Top Scorer award by wrapping up his hat-trick with a determined finish, despite claims of handball from the opposition. They were clearly still afraid of the ref so their protests were a bit more muted this time!

Fuzzball got a late consolation goal when their pacy striker skipped by a few players and rifled it home past “Safehands” (who had resumed his normal station).

Almaty could have had more with both “Crouchy” and “Lamps” hitting the post in the second half, as did Philly Smith in the first.

The gloss was taken off the victory as it emerged late last night that Alex "True Blue" O'Donovan had suffered a knee injury. It is uncertain how long the injury will keep him sidelined for.

Oh yeah, and Citco lost. Heh heh heh...

Man of the match: Phil Smith (notable mention to Gav for the hat-trick and JamesG for assists and a goal)
Goal of the game: They were all good, except Gav's 3rd!

Almaty down to the bare bones for season opener

Almaty Athletic face a difficult start to the season against Fuzzball FC on Tuesday after it was revealed that 3 star players will be missing for the season curtain-raiser. Ant "Gaffer" Spratt, Tadhg "Big Man" O'Connell and "Reverend" Alex are all unavailable.

Apparently they have prior commitments, playing in an obscure 11-a-side form of the game. This little-known variant is allegedly played on grass, and is popular in the Northside of the city.

The squad's strength in depth will be tested, but Almaty were boosted by the news that Phil Smith is available for selection.


Squad in full:
1. Jer "Safehands" Sweetnam
2. Jim "Lamps" Butler
3. Keith "SP" Espey
4. James "Tricks" Galvin
5. Billy "Nickname pending" Murphy
6. Gavin "Crouchy" Jeffery
7. Phil "Part-time" Smith

The three lads promise to arrive later on too, which is very kind of them!

Everton qualify for UEFA cup

Manchester United Premier League Champions

Celebrations in West Belfast as Alex converts to Protestantism

There were joyous scenes on the Shankill Road when a spokesman for Almaty Athletic midfield enforcer Alex O'Donovan announced that he had renounced his Catholic faith and converted to Protestantism. The spokesman vigorously denied that peer pressure was a factor in this stunning u-turn.

"I can assure you that Alex is very much his own man, and takes his spiritual well-being very seriously. This decision has come after careful consideration and stark reflection. Any suggestion that this has come about because Dawson and Nige wouldn't go boozing with him are utterly baseless and unfounded," the spokesprod continued.

Sources indicate that O'Donovan has long been dissatisfied with the direction of the Catholic Church. An insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, denied that the Church's controversial position on pre-marital sex was a factor, indicating that since Ant's stag, this has not been an issue. The pal continued to say that the main reason was likely to be the more relaxed Protestant Sunday service which does not require participants to kneel. O'Donovan is said to believe that the switch can prolong his career by at least 2 years thanks to the reduced load on his knees...










Alex (second from left) and friends