Almaty Athletic 6 2 Touch 0

Walkover!

Almaty earned another three points but did so without kicking a ball in anger. Late last night it was discovered that 2 Touch had got into financial difficulty and a liquidator was appointed - another casualty to the economic crisis.

Unfortunately FC Miracle beat Majestic Rovers to maintain their lead at the top. If they fail to win next week in their penultimate game against their bitter rivals City Ramblers then Almaty will have a shot of the silverware in the last game of the season.



* Mr Walk Over has been credited with the 6 goals... however the Gaffer says he is acceptable to offers for credit for the goals... Marco?? Gav??

League top scorer chart
21 Marco (Almaty)
20 Gav (Almaty)
15 Denis Quaid (Gliebenhagg FC)

Can Almaty bounce back?

After last week’s shocking defeat (Almaty’s first of the season) the players are aiming to get back on track as they face 2 Touch tonight. The squad have weighed in behind Gaffer Spratt who was devastated after last week’s organisational fiasco. “Mistakes happen - he is still the best accountant this team has” commented Sweetnam. After Madrid could not match Almaty’s valuation for their Portugesse whizkid, Machado came out in support of the beleaguered Gaffer. “Come on guys, I never wanted to leave you!”

Phil “never gives up” Smith returns to the squad after a week’s holidays in the Canaries. He was put through a gruelling 1 ½ hour Sun footie session last night and will hopefully have sweated out all of the excess alcohol from his system. The only absentee is Billy “D4” Murphy who has been loaned out to a team from Dublin. “OMG I couldn’t believe it when the Gaffer said he was sending me on loan to Foxtrot AFC – they are soooo the best team in the suburbs.”

Whilst the title is now FC Miracle’s to lose Almaty can only hope that City Ramblers will get a result against their arch rivals next week to set-up a grand finale when Almaty face FC Miracle on the last day of the season.

Almaty Athletic 3 Gliebenhagg FC 4

Almaty Crumble as Gaffer Loses the Abacus and Plot

Almaty’s bid to retain their title suffered irreparable damage last night as they conceded a late goal to go down 4-3 to Gliebenhagg FC. In a calamitous night for Gaffer Spratt THREE of his side declared themselves unavailable for the crunch tussle. PHIL SMITH stormed out of training last week and was last seen partying well into the earlier hours in THE CANARIES. In another worrying development, SAFEHANDS SWEETNAM failed to report for duty either, claiming he was “in Dublin” “on business”. Reports suggesting he refused to hand over his “I can’t believe they’re this sticky” Umbro gloves have yet to be denied by insiders. And in the most worrying development MARCO MACHEDO was seen in a classy Cork restaurant (ed: is that an oxymoron?) dining on oysters and scallops as his team floundered.

Gaffer Spratt, an accountant in his spare time, must have lost his abacus prior to the match as only 5 Almaty regulars took the field in this most important of clashes. As Gaffer counted the numbers on his fingers, youth teamers, Nigel “I’ll only play if Lamps is away” and Paul “little bro” Dawson were late call ups to the side.


Wanted: Lost abacus - handsome reward

Despite the travails of the Gaffer, things started well for Almaty. Nevertheless they quickly found themselves 2-0 down to a Gliebenhagg side which scented blood.

Almaty stepped up a gear and their pressure was rewarded just before half-time when Dave "can't stop me scoring now" Smith bagged a goal. At half-time the talk was all about finding the passing rhythm again and composure which had served them well in past weeks. The players though had lost all respect for the Gaffer at this stage and it went in one ear and out the other.

Ten minutes into the second half Almaty conceded a third. The players became quiet and the heads dropped. Their hopes were raised however when Gav "long legs" Jeffery poked home. With five to go Almaty got the equaliser through Mark "Big small bro" Dawson.

The Almaty fans urged their team on to seek the winner knowing that three points were vital. However, the nerves got the better of the players. Alex "still going strong at 33" O'Donovan was fouled on the left side in the Almaty half. Rather than taking the free himself he wandered up the field. To make amends for his earlier mistakes Gaffer "PANIC STATIONS" Spratt rushed out from goal to take the free. The ball was squared to Dave Smith in the right full position who played a return ball to Spratt. Rather than going for the sensible punt up the field Spratt played a ball into Dawse who was just recovering from tying his laces and was susequently dispossed. With Spratt stranded the Hagg player slipped the ball into the back of the net. Disaster!!

And so Almaty must now rely favours from others if they are to retain their title. Angry supporters shouted “you don’t know what you’re doing!” at beleaguered Spratt as he left the field in despair. The players and board this morning handed him the dreaded VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, which is sure increase uncertainty around his future. Speaking in the Portuguese press, Machado has also given his backing to the manger: “I fully sport zee gaffer, hee is berry berry important too mee…wha? Senor Pelegrini is on zee telefon… for me? I must, how you say, issue zee transfer request…”

Bring on the Haggs!

Almaty face Gliebenhagg tonight in what is another crucial game in their bid for silverware this season. Two points adrift of FC Miracle Almaty have to continue their winning streak to ensure that come the last day of the season they will know that a win over the league leaders will secure them the title.

It will not be an easy task tonight. Almaty only managed a 3-3 draw in the first round game against the Haggs. Their cause was not helped by conceding 3 goals in the first 10 mins. Definitely out for tonight is Phil “Bruiser” Smith as he takes a week’s holiday. Billy “Technical Drawing” Murphy is also missing as he continues his work experience up in Dublin. “Safer than safe” Sweetnam is also likely to be an absentee as he is also on a day trip to the big smoke.

However, Almaty will still have a strong squad with Ant, Phil, Mark, Alex, Gav and Marco.

Almaty Athletic 12 The Invincibles 2

Almaty continued their good run of form with a 12-2 thrashing of The Invincibles. There were concerns that they would struggle to break down The Invincibles 5 man defence but that was not to be! At half-time Almaty were 7-0 up... they then scored a couple of more early on in the second half before The Invincibles managed to pull 2 back.

Points of note:
- Dave "if Phil can score so can I" Smith managed to score his first for Almaty in the first half and followed up with another in the second half... he is still recovering from the nose bleed
- Phil "all shoulders" Smith getting into a head to head with the nutcase Invincibles player in the first half
- scoring a goal after about 20 passes... a contender for goal of the season
- Marco's sublime goal from an impossible angle early on in the second half (Jim "Lamps" Butler would have been very proud of it)

Unfortunately FC Miracle beat 2 touch 6-3 to maintain their 2 goal lead at the top. Almaty face Gliebenhagg next week which is sure to be a tough match.

Almaty set to test The Invincibles

Almaty face The Invincibles, who are currently rooted to the bottom of the table, at 8pm tonight. Despite their position in the league The Invincibles have a strong defence and outside the top three teams they have conceded the least amount of goals. Barry “I’ll see you in court!” Sheehan (who has scared many a striker with his large presence in goal) takes a lot of the credit for their good record along with their 1-5-0-0 formation. Almaty are all too familiar with their negative tactics which has resulted in such a stat having narrowly beaten them 1-0 in their first round game. However, with Gav “I’ll catch you yet Marco” Jeffers and Marco “no chance Gav” Machado both gunning for goals it will be hard for The Invincibles to contain them. Even Phil “I can score!” Smith will look to contribute.

Apart from Billy “off to the Pale” Murphy Almaty have a full squad. They welcome the return of Jeremy “Safehands” Sweetnam who proved he can take a ball by catching one of the footballs Rod Stewart kicked into the crowd last week. Unfortunately, John “I can’t believe I’m cut again!” Murphy has not been given a recall. The Sunday World is publishing a full-page interview by John “So Bitter” Murphy on this outrageous decision.

Almaty Athletic 14 Majestic Rovers 1

It was a night to remember as Almaty Athletic recorded their highest ever victory in their short history in what can only be described as a demolishion!

Things didn't look good for Almaty as Billy "damn that ankle" Murphy and Marco "must have gone to Rod Stewart also" Machado cried off in the afternoon. This caused a headache for Gaffer as he was down to a squad of 5. Rather than cutting of his nose despite his face Gaffer reluctantly made a call to John "Rebel" Murphy who gladly accepted the olive branch. He also made contact with Gary "The Ox" O'Herlihy who impressed in recent Sun footie games.

With Phil "Unpuctual" Smith running late the team started with John in goal, Dawse, Spratt and Dave Smith in defence, Gav in centre with Gary up front. It wasn't long before Almaty found themselves 3-0 thanks to a well-deserved hat-trick from Gary "give me the ball and I'll score" O'Herlihy. Eager to close the gap on the top scorer charts Gav "Crouchy" Jeffers bagged his hat-trick. Gary got a fourth shortly before half-time to make it 7-0 at the break.

Conscious of increasing their goal difference the message at the interval was to be ruthless! To silence his critics Phil "Yes, he can score!" Smith grabbed Almaty's 8th 5 mins into the second half. "It is a weight off my shoulders to be honest with you" commented Smith. Gary got another to make it 9... Gav got his 4th to make it 10... Dawson got two to make it 12... Majestic got their consolation goal... Phil incredibly got a second to make it 12... Gary then sealed his double hat-trick to make it 13 - lucky for some!

It was a near flawless display but lets be honest about it the opposition were pretty crap except for yellow boots. Credit must be given to John "safer than safehands?" Murphy who put in a fine display in goal and was unlucky not to keep a clean-sheet.

The only bad news of the night was that FC Miracle beat Gliebenhagg 4-1 to maintain their two point lead over Almaty. Despite this Almaty fans will be pleased to know that the team have an insurmountable goal difference over FC Miracle (33 versus 22) which could prove vital if FC Miracle were to draw a game.

Tonight's the night!

Almaty face Majestic Rovers tonight with a near full squad. They welcome back Gav “Gunning for Goals” Jeffery, Billy “Better than John” Murphy and Dave “Better than Phil” Smith!

They will have to make do without the services of Jeremy “Sweetcakes” Sweetnam as attempts to show would a great boyfriend he is by taking his beloved to Rod “Do you think I’m sexy?!” Stewart concert. Alex’s medical team have reported that his Achilles is still causing him trouble but it is suspected that this is a smokescreen as it is widely know that he is a closet Rod “Forever young” Stewart fan.



Gaffer Spratt is hoping that there will be a repeat performance of their first encounter with Majestic Rovers where Almaty scored a record breaking 10 goals. “I’m sure Gav “Tall bean” Jeffery will be gunning for some goals after missing out over the last two weeks but he will have to work hard to get the ball as I doubt that Marco “Magic-Man” Machado will be too unselfish with his passing” commented Spratt.

Almaty Athletic 3 City Ramblers 1

Ref bad... performance ok... result great!

Almaty kept up their unbeaten run so far this season by beating City Rambers 3-1 in a keenly contested game. The result means Almaty move above City Ramblers into 2nd place and cement their status as the main challengers to league leaders FC Miracle.

The squad was somewhat decimated with Gav and Billy both out with ankle injuries and Dave Smith otherwise engaged. Thankfully, despite a swollen Achilles Alex’s medical team released him to play. Shane Smith was given a late call-up to ensure Almaty had a sub. The team was as follows: Safehands, Spratt, Dawson, O’Donovan, P Smith, Machado.

Almaty started brightly and came close early on but Spratt was unable to keep his shot on target (nothing unusual there!). Almaty fans weren’t to be kept in suspense as they took the lead soon after when Marco "Don't stop me now" notched up his 15th of the season with a neat finish.

Without the lad in the Barca shirt City Ramblers failed to create many chances. Mark "Dawse" Dawson kept their chunky striker in his pocket. However, against the run of play City Ramblers equalised in controversial circumstances. A corner kick was squared to the edge of the circle the ball deflected up against the arm of one the Ramblers’ players. As the Almaty players froze like statues waiting for the referee to blow his whistle the Ramblers player took advantage and scored. Despite Phil "McEnroe" Smith’s rant the ref characteristically didn’t change his mind! Almaty players were riled. Their annoyance was exaggerated by further bizarre referring decisions. Firstly Marco was battle-rammed off the ball when clean through on goal. Secondly, Shane Smith was hacked down on the touchline. “It’s a soccer match not a GAA match” comment from Shane “Cheeky chap” Smith further turned the ref against Almaty.

It could have gone from bad to worse for Almaty when “Gaffer” Spratt nearly scored an own goal (nothing unusual there!) when he side-passed a Ramblers corner goal-bound. Sweetnam showed why he has earned the name “Safehands” by showing great agility to dive low and push the ball wide of the post. Despite playing against an 7th man Almaty pressed hard and create a number of chances but failed to regain their lead before the break.

Early on in the second half Almaty scored their second; Marco "I'm having such a good time" Machado again the finisher. City Ramblers came close to equalising when “Safehands” Sweetnam air-kicked his clearance in spectacular fashion. The Ramblers striker failed to capitalize and saved “Safehands” blushes as he skied the ball high and wide with the goal gapping. Thankfully, the nerves of the Almaty’s fans were calmed when Marco "I'm having a ball don't stop me now!" Machado sealed his hat-trick a couple of minutes later with another neat finish. This puts Marco “Shearer” Machado on 17 goals for the season… 6 ahead of Gav “Sutton” Jeffery but who’s counting?!

Tempers flared again between the two sides with Mark “Vidic” Dawson aggrieved about a loose elbow. The only other moment to note in the game was Phil “hasn’t scored in weeks” Smith’s breakdown with a couple of minutes to go. “Gaffer” Spratt substituted Marco (so that he could get the applause from the crowd for his hat-trick) and replaced him with Mark “Del-boy” Dawson to bolster the defence much to the consternation of Phil “have a fit” Smith!

Whilst Almaty’s performance was not as fluid as last week’s the squad were delighted with another important win. Next week Almaty face Majestic Rovers.