Player Profile - Tadhg

Name
Tadhg James O'Connell

Nickname(s)
Big-man, Phats, Tiger (rrraaaoorr!), The Rock, Tiger McTadhg

Age
25 1/4

Favourite Food
Raw meat washed down with a protien shake

Best Almaty Memory
Getting the phone call from the Gaffer last season to step in. He's my childhood hero. It was such an honour.

Worst Almaty Memory
Lobbing Safehands... I'm still trying to figure out how I managed that... it seems almost mathematically impossible...

Motto in Life
"Eat and be fat"

Who is your sporting hero?
Big Show!!

What would your team mates say is your most annoying trait?
I'm too quiet and shy.

Most influential person on your Almaty career?
That would have to be Jan Molby... he used to move around the pitch so gracefully!

What three words best describe you?
Super size please

What makes you laugh?
Myself, I'm the funniest man on the team.

Worst fear(s)?
The lads finding out that I'm a closet Take That fan...
The needle on the scales going below 14 stone...
The lads finding out that 'Thai Boxing' is code for Lionel Richie concerts...

Tell me something the rest of the players don't know about you?
I've got my nipple pierced! The ladeez love it.

Pet hates?
Boyzone - they were such wannabes

Butler double shame

Yet anther Almaty player is shrouded in controversy after compromising pictures were published in today’s tabloids. The photos of Jim “Lamps” Butler were shot during his stay in Fat Camp in Greece. Gaffer Spratt had sent Butler away for an intensive two week program in what he had hoped would help ease his weight problem.

However, Spratt is reported to being seeing red after turning to the back page of the Mirror to see Butler gleefully sipping on what can only be described as a heart-attack double chocolate sundae with extra marshmallows and cream!!!

As if that wasn’t bad enough Spratt then picked up the Sun to discover that Butler was featuring on page 3…. In a sarong!!!

A close source to Butler revealed that he was inspired by his former Man Yoo idol, Becks.

Asked whether Butler had dabbled in cross-dressing before our source confessed that he had once seen Jim “do my tits look big in this?” Butler come out of the shower wearing just his Man Yoo jersey and a g-string!

Butler had hoped to establish himself as a first-team choice but after last week’s dismal performance at Sun footie and today’s revelations it look as if he will be confined to the bench’s for the rest of the season.

Almaty Athletic 6 Pints 0

SENSATIONAL SPRATT SCORES SIX!

Almaty Athletic remained top of the table after a resounding victory over Pints. Amazingly, Spratt netted a double hat-trick in a six goal romp! The first was an unstoppable free-kick which rifled into the top corner. This was followed shortly by a left-footed half volley on the turn. The first hat-trick was completed when Spratt showed off his class by rounding two defenders and then nutmegging the Pints keeper.

The second half started the way the first half did with a Spratt bicycle-kick from just outside the area given the Pints keeper no chance. Five minutes later Spratt showed composure again to guide a header in off the post to make it five. The cream of the crop came in the last minute when Spratt's spotted the Pints keeper off his line... the forty-yard lob was sublime!

Spratt is now the team's joint top-scorer alongside Gav "Crouchy" Jeffers.

In other news, the club has said that they will block any effort by the German FA to entice Gaffer Spratt to guide them in their 2010 World Cup Camp. A source close to the Gaffer has said that Spratt is honoured to be linked to such a prestigious job but his priority is to bring some silverware to the Almaty trophy cabinent.

Next week match is against Gliebenhagg FC.

Disclaimer
The information contained in these match report is, to the best of our knowledge, true and accurate at the time of publication, and is solely for informational purposes, and in fact, may not be represent what happened at all. Almaty Athletic accepts no liability for any loss or damage howsoever arising as a result of use or reliance on this information. Rumours that Almaty received a walkover may be true.

Pints!

Undefeated... top of the table... will Pints put a dent into Almaty's surge for silverware?

Judging by the performance of some of Almaty's stars at Sun footie some would answer yes! Jim "Beamish please" Butler, Jer "Triple Vodka & West Coast Cooler" Sweetnam and Alex "bottle of bud" O'Donovan were all guilty of shameful displays. Consequently, Almaty Gaffer is threatening to impose pre-match breathalysing.

However, it is not the alcohol beverage that Gaffer Spratt has to be most concerned about but Tuesday night's opposition, Pints!

Pints got off to a good start to the season with a 3-2 win over Citco but then lost heavily to Slievenamon. They then drew with Whitfords and lost to Gliebenhagg FC.

Billy "cool as a breeze" Murphy is still struggling with an ankle injury but Almaty are due to welcome back Morgan "Axel" Foley from the treatment room, who will look to sure up the AA defence. Almaty are further boosted by the news that Keith "SP" Espey will be returning to the fold. Phil "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REF" Smith is sadly unable to attend to make the game. His long-term friend and team-mate Alex "you're so much better than me" O'Donovan is quoted as saying "the team just won't be the same without Phil; he has been our star performer this season and is the fans favourite".

Yet another Almaty sex scandal...

ALMATY ACE IN GAY SEX PROBE WHILE RANDY VICAR LOOKS ON


Burly Almaty defender Tadhg "Big Cat" O'Connell is the latest Almaty ace to be embroiled in a sordid vice tale, after being photographed engaged in a nude romp with a mystery hairy man.

Initial observations suggest that the unknown participant may be the 'missing link'. Scientologists from the Himalayas as well and the Rocky Mountains are said to be flocking to Garretstown to search for this mystery man-beast. The area has not such a frenzy of activity since the moving statue saga of nearby Ballinspittle, although speculation suggests that this was no more than a drunken prank by holidaying prods out for a laugh.

Meanwhile, Almaty gaffer "Gaffer" is being unusually silent at the latest bombshell. Normally a stickler for discipline, "Gaffer" has refused to condemn the vile antics of his curvacious, no-nonsense defender. This has given rise to rampant speculation that "Gaffer" may have been involved with the sick sex-games. Indeed, rumours persist that the depraved acts were part of a bizarre annual ritual associated with the obscure and twisted pseudo-religion of "Gaffer" and his associates.

In a new development, one-time Almaty associate "Desperate" Dan O'Connell has moved to distance himself from the sick scandal. In a brief statement to the press as he left a waxing clinic in Douglas, O'Connell said "That could be any hairy man who has a history of getting naked in Spratt's mobile home in Garretstown, anyone!"

Disgruntled Almaty squad player Alex "Man On!!" O'Donovan has denied being the insider who leaked the seedy pics.

As for Almaty, when will the madness end??

Week 4: Almaty Athletic 3 Slievenamon 2

ALMATY EDGE SLEIVE IN FIVE GOAL THRILLER

As reported by Jeremy "Triple Vodka and West Coast Cooler please" Sweetnam

Almaty emerged victorious from this clash of two of the premier sides in this year’s league with a performance of style and substance that has vanquished the memories of last season’s near misses against similar opposition and has seen bookies slashing their title winning odds.

With defensive rock Keith “Daisy Cutter” Espey still missing due to “other commitments” (SP: 1. Almaty, 2. Work, 3. GF; NOT 1. Work, 2. GF, 3. Almaty) it was left to Tadhg “not afraid to put his foot through it” O’Connell to fill the void left by the former Leeds legend. With Billy “f*ck off Dawson” Murphy on the treatment table, Almaty were happy* to welcome back “Lamps” Butler after a two week sojourn in Greek fatcamp. Phil “It’s Smith with an ‘i’ you twat” Smith continued to provide more than adequate cover in midfield.

* hmmm, would we say ‘happy’, would we……?

In an evening of shocks, “Lamps” startled everybody by comfortably fitting into his shiny new Uhlsport shorts. Reports that Jer “Big Nev with an emphasis on the “Big” Sweetnam will be packed off to Greek fatcamp for two weeks have been denied by the bubbly / jolly / loveable shot stopper.

The game started at a frantic pace with both sides trying to play some good stuff. Despite not being their normal fluid selves Almaty still managed to display a little more composure and poise on the ball. Slieve were a useful outfit though and it was noticeable how little time Almaty’s creative influences had on the ball in general play. In what must be developing into a worrying trend for management at Almaty, they once again conceded first, and in all too familiar circumstances, as Alex “Phil never gets caught out dallying like that” O’Donovan was caught out dallying on a pass from Tadhg. Ever alive to the sniff of a chance Slieve pored forward and finished well in the bottom right hand corner. 0-1.

Almaty were more than a match for their illustrious opponents, however the better chances in the first half all fell to Slieve, who hit the post from distance and forced a useful one on one save from Jer “Lev Yashin / Dino Zoff / Renat Dassayev / Peter Schmeichel / Big Nev - take your pick” Sweetnam. A mistimed jump from Phil “Alex would have made it his” Smith allowed Slieve to nip in for another chance, this time a looping header which bounced off the top of the cross bar. At the other end, Almaty looked worrying toothless with only a couple of half chances, spurned by “Lamps” Butler and James “the Caucasian Kanu” Galvin, to show for all their possession, the latter an audacious attempted lob of the stranded Slieve keeper.

Slieve continued to press hard and there was no doubt that this contest had a far more even look about it than perhaps any other match up Alamty had played in to date. Slieve knew their stuff, as demonstrated by their repeated hurling of throw ins at the near post in search of a deflection as well as a shameless Hand of God intervention which, if Tomasz had not been paying attention, could have yielded more tangible results. Some aggressive tackling from both sides, particularly from Alex “If Phil is getting ratty then so will I” O’Donovan, served only to heighten tensions as the game ebbed and flowed at both ends.

Then, on the stroke of half time, Grzegorz allowed one more Almaty throw in, even as the crowd bayed for a whistle. Somehow the otherwise resolute Slieve defence switched off, allowing Alex “You wouldn’t see Phil control, turn and finish superbly like that” O’Donovan time and space to control, turn and finish superbly. 1-1. And a titanic second half loomed.

Almaty began the second half with some conviction and they were soon rewarded as more fine interplay culminated with an excellent goal from Gav “Crouchy – but who will I be once he leaves the fields of Anfield Road?” Jeffery. Again though Almaty switched off defensively, leaving Slieve a route back into the game as Gaffer “Do as I say not as I do” Spratt was caught badly in possession. Slieve accepted the gift and slotted home off the post. 2-2. And the match was now on a knife edge.

The tension mounted as Phil “If Alex is getting ratty then so will I” Smith allowed his frustrations to boil over at a hapless Ludwik, who, despite coming from a proud country which has survived decades of fascist / commie oppression, must surely have pined for those halcyon days as he found himself at the receiving end of an unprecedented tirade from Phil “I wish I could do this in hockey” Smith.

Fine saves from Jer “Jose Luis Chilavert / Pat Jennings / Petr Cech – take your pick” Sweetnam followed, the first from a free kick and the second from a well directed cross shot. Then another quick break up-field ended with “The Caucasian Kanu” finishing expertly to re-establish a one goal lead.

There was still time for a further save from Jer “Shilts / Brucey / Gianluigi Buffon / Gordon Banks – again, take your pick” Sweetnam and some backs to the wall stuff as tempers continued to teeter on the brink of all out confrontation. Slieve grew increasingly desperate but this time the Almaty defence, ably marshalled by “Not afraid to put his foot through it” and “Gaffer” held firm.

There will be few sterner examinations than this in the coming season, and, unlike last year, Almaty were able convert possession into points against a very useful experienced side. For Almaty then, the real test will be in converting dominance into further wins and eliminating their worrying tendency to concede soft goals. Now if SP can just get his priorities right…

Slieve who?!

Almaty Athletic face Slievenamon tomorrow night in what will be an epic encounter between two titans of astro leagues. Both teams are pipped as title contenders. Almaty are desperate for some silverware after narrowly missing out last year (losing out to Viscount in the last game of the season) but confidence is high after last week's strong victory over local rivals Citco. Slievenamon, however, won their league and are undefeated thus far this year.

Billy "Jean" is unavailable for selection as he is still nursing has ankle after twisting it against Citco last week. Sp is also out for the 3rd week running. A source close to him said he just couldn't miss the first episode of the new Grey's Anatomy season ("he idolises Dr McDreamy!"). There are also doubts as to whether Gaffer Spratt will consider Tadhg "One ball" O'Connell and Alex "way better than Phil" O'Donovan for selection after Paparazzi Dan photographed them holding hands walking home after a heavy night on the booze... naked. Despite running a portion of the Marathon "Crouchy" has declared himself fit. There is a last minute weigh-in for "Lamps" Butler tomorrow. The Lear jet is on stand-by to fly him home if the scales don't break the 15st mark.

For those of you who don't know much about Slievenamon here's what Wikipedia had to say:

Slievenamon, or in Irish Sliabh na mBan, is a mountain in County Tipperary in the province of Munster in Ireland. It stands at 721 m (2,365 ft). It is located in the south of the county, near the town of Clonmel. Situated at the western end of a range of low hills, Slievenamon is a striking conical mass, offering a dramatic view from the top over the counties of Tipperary, Kilkenny and Waterford

The mountain has its fair share of Irish legends. The mountain is said to have got its name from the ancient fairy women or Feimhin, who enchanted a warrior named Fionn mac Cumhaill and his followers. Another legend tells how Fionn decided to choose his bride from a group of women racing to the top to meet him sitting at the top of Slievenamon. The first to reach the summit was Gráinne, a figure who would become notorious in Irish folklore with her exploits with the hero Diarmuid.